San Ramon-Monteverde

Mon 30th 0927 Just had a rest stop near (according to OSM) Cebadilla. Earwigged on group of three youngish travellers during break but nothing terribly interesting.

Everything fine. Woke up with very vague "oh fuck, got to do this bus thing" feelings about 0430ish and semi-deliberately semi-drowsed instead of going properly back to sleep until got up at 6. Tried to use toilet (didn't really need to; fine so far, touch wood), cleaned teeth, put sunblock on for later. etc.

Host took keys back off me and had called me a ("non-official" though it did have a radio) taxi, which charged me 1500 based on distance (when we arrived, presumably based on odometer and cross-referenced with a laminated paper chart) and I made it 2000. Spoke to the crisp/drink selling chap at the side of road bus stop and he told me bus at about 0745; this was at 0645ish so I had an hourish to wait but not too bad. Bought some plantain crisps off him (1000) partly by way of saying thanks but they were actually very nice and salty. He kept announcing all the various buses etc, nice enough chap I thought.

Bus did turn up about 0755, driver took my e-ticket number, no fuss. It's a nice enough bus but not quite the slick coach I half expected.

Stupidly (I had half thought about it and didn't) forgot to put fleece at top of bag when packing last night and had to dredge it out on accom floor downstairs as it was relatively cold. Bit of a breeze at the bus stop too. Got fleece on knee now as pretty warm now sun is up properly etc. It was light but dawn grey sort of thing when I left room. Lot of early morning joggers about.

1756 OK, don't really want to write this. It's exaggerated and unfair but I fucking hate it here.

Got to hostel (let's call it that) no problems. Guy told me it was 58k, I queried it (expecting - from memory as I write, had checked on phone when got off bus - to pay about 40k) and he said "it's the taxes" (in Spanish), so like an idiot I paid. I was well before checkin time but he said room would be ready in 10 mins and I waited and took the opportunity to check booking.com. And yes, it was plus tax, but 13% tax. So I queried this and he agreed to check it when he'd finished. I could even see the USD amount (82.40) on the computer, whacked it into Google and it came to about 46k. A bit later he came back and converted it himself and made it 50k - which seems an extortionate exchange rate (and what the fuck is it with a sovereign country with its own currency where booking.com seems to treat USD prices as the fundamental currency of the contracts I'm entering into?) but I didn't argue about that and said "but I paid 58k" and he said if I gave him back the 2k change he'd give me 10k "ahorita" . So I gave him the 2k and went into room and milled about and I started to suspect I'd *never* get my 10k and I was being played. So I remembered I had one of my own and managed to swap it with him for a 20k, so I paid 50k not 58k as originally charged even though I suspect fair price was actually about 46-47k.

I *didn't* make a scene (it's not quite my style, and I remembered the advice about not doing this to get things resolved in some guide book or other) but it still felt awkward and I'm pretty sure he never apologised, and the fact he still got it wrong after I queried it initially also feels a bit suspect. So I'm afraid I can't put this down to an accident, I no longer trust this place and that is a minor bind as if (complex issue) I want/need to extend past my original four nights here I am going to have to go somewhere else. (Side note, jumping the narrative queue: I may, energy permitting, see if I can get a free cancellation booking somewhere else here later tonight as a fallback.)

I also decided I didn't want to book any tours through this hostel now, because why give the fuckers the kickback? This in practice is no hardship, since you can't throw a stone here without hitting a sign for zipline or quadbike or horseriding tours and saying you can book there.

I should have had a drink of water and I also meant to message "last night's" accom to say thanks for helping me get bus, because although I did say thanks etc I was rather distracted getting into the taxi and didn't say goodbye then and it felt a bit accidentally rude afterwards. But I didn't as I just wanted to GTFO, so I went into town still carrying my fleece (which I didn't need, and should have left behind, but didn't think) and feeling a bit thirsty and mildly hacked off. But not, AFAICR, utterly crushed or anything. Maybe this fuckery to start with set a bad tone or maybe it's been playing on my mind more than I thought, but one way or another I've plumbed certain depths this afternoon and I don't think that alone was enough. It was probably a bit before 12 (1145ish) when I left hostel to go into town.

Gonna break off here and have a rest and also message last night's hostel on booking.com.

Oh, my new "non single use" water bottle leaked (albeit only slightly) in my bag on the bus. Oh, and there were quite nice views over Gulf of Nicoya (feels odd you can see it from here, but think that's what it was) on way in to Monteverde. Bit warm but not terrible on bus, it was probably only about half full (I had a double seat), I was feeling a bit drowsy at times and also lapsed into a bit of that "it's cosy and isolated here on the bus/plane, I don't really want to arrive and have to deal with shit" feeling.

Not doing very well having a break, am I? I should say that although I wonder if not having eaten played into some of the psychodrama coming up, frankly I doubt it - I had eaten yesterday and it wasn't even particularly late when I ate today. Ditto lack of sleep - yes I was maybe a tiny bit short (but can't really remember when I got to sleep) but it's not as if I'd had just two or three hours of badly broken sleep or anything.

1818 Sounds like a bloody gale outside, but I have no idea if it is that bad, remembering how the wind's bark was way worse than its bite back at the Grecia hostel.

1841 Had quick poke on booking.com, a few places with free cancellation but mostly dorms (one place - no free cancellation - seems to charge an astoundingly low 5k/night for a dorm bed inc taxes) and the more appealing of those was only free cancellation *before* 1 Feb, which hardly feels worth it. Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't see vaguely affordable dorm beds selling out for Fri onwards in the next day or two.

Usual "meh" about a dorm, *but* if it's for a couple of nights I don't have any concerns about clean clothes (I do have a private bathroom here, can't remember if I expected that, probably did - the private room has a double+single overhead bunk and a single+single bunk in, so it's almost a dorm) and it would almost be good to just do it and then it's done, it really isn't a huge deal in practice IM-limited-but-non-zero-E.

Bit chilly in room, I should put fleece on but worried I'll forget it tomorrow.

FFS, not in mood but let me bash on with my tale.

So walking into town and around it's absolute tourist trap central. There are no sodas, I even trogged up into the bit to the north with the football field which felt a smidge less touristy. The prices in the restaurants are vaguely insane and to add insult to injury most of them say "10% service not included" despite guide book saying it usually *is* included in CR (though my faith in the guide book's accuracy is diminishing) and the more sleazy of them are even quoting ex-VAT (another 13%) prices. I *don't* like paying over the odds but I particularly resent all this sleazy kind of shit. English menus nearly everywhere, incidentally - I should count myself lucky they're not showing prices in dollars.

This doesn't help my mood. In the "north" bit of town I spot a staircase up a bank and go up in case there's a nice view (there isn't, particularly) and notice all the steps have wanky vaguely "struggle for rights" slogans on them too. There's a lot of this sort of thing here - maybe I exaggerate, but there's a certain level of "diversity" and "equality" (inclusion seems not to be included) artwork both on streets and in the pricey-as-fuck businesses I've shoved my head in, which makes me hate them even more.

Anyway, I finally realised (although I don't think it was a huge contributor to low mood) I had to eat and found vaguely-sensibly-priced Pollo Asado Raulitos (if I remember the name right) where I paid 3500 for half decent pollo asado and chips but by the time I'd added a 600ml bottle of water to the order it came to about 4700. They did at least break a 20k for me, but I guess here in Santa Elena/Monteverde/whatever the hell the place is called 20k is just chump change.

Oh, before the walk round to see about eating I popped into an "official" (yeah, right) tourist office place - there's about a billion of 'em - and asked about the shuttle to the anti-plastic forest tomorrow. That was OKish although apparently you do have to pre-book the return time, although you may be able to phone half an hour earlier from reception and change it, not that clear. I am still not clear if I'm likely to turn up with 6+ hours of time booked there between my buses and the anti-plastic guys say "sorry, you can only do the short trail because the others are full and we don't like your face, plastic-lover!"

So after eating I went back to the tourist office place and booked an 8:30 pickup outside hostel tomorrow morning. Apparently I pay the driver (USD3 each way) and nominate my return time then - realistic return options are 1pm and 4pm, so I'll probably have to go for 4pm. Oh, and because why the fuck should the operators take any risks?, if I'm the only person on the shuttle I have to pay double.

Still, I was feeling shit and I figured I did well to get this booked so I can potentially tick off one of the things I wanted to do here so I can get the hell out. Whether I'll go twice as I vaguely planned I do not know.

I should in chronological order insert a rant about zipline etc tours here but let me come back to that.

I then went to the Ranorio (frog pond) which sounded quite good in guide book, and again  I thought I was doing well getting this done (well, first visit anyway) today. This is USD18 - no, USD20 according to receipt - to get into and frankly it's not worth it. Guide book implied they like you to take a tour the first time, but I didn't get offered one (nor did a French-speaking couple with linguistic difficulties as I was leaving) although a couple of girls in front of me as I was going round did seem to have one. After an OK room of pinned butterflies/insects you go on a walk round a series of glass cases and in about 90% of them I couldn't spot the fucking frogs. They give you a torch to shine in to illuminate the dark areas.

To be scrupulously fair I was feeling shit and could hardly concentrate. I kept trying to have a word with myself but the concentration just wasn't there. I may also be genuinely not good at this - as I was near leaving a couple came in together (going round backwards for some reason) and he seemed shit but she spotted the frogs in the last three displays in about as many minutes. More on the psychodramatic shit later, maybe.

I'd also read in guide book - AND THERE'S A FUCKING GREAT SIGN OUTSIDE SAYING "INSECTORIO" - that there's an insect exhibition with reptiles included in ticket price, including a tarantula, which I was a bit nervy but keen to see, but despite me asking twice at the end the guy on the desk absolutely denied knowing it exists.

I get to go back for a second night visit (6pm-8pm I think) for the price of this ticket, but luckily I asked on the way out if it could be in a few days and he said it has to be tomorrow. Luckily this does kind of work (even if I feel knackered) even if I come back from anti-plastic forest on 4pm shuttle (it's half an hour, and would give me time to eat, doubtless at same place I did today).

So ranario a big disappointment, I felt short-changed on the tour (which I might not have wanted, except you can't see anything without it in practice) and the insect/reptile collection. As a small final kick in the teeth I noticed a sign on way out saying you get a free postcard if you pay cash, but the little rack was empty so I didn't ask.

Came out, it felt too early to come back here so I did a little loop round another outlying portion of town, checked out a couple of coffee shops (cheapest Americano I could see was 1300, and that place had an "equality" poster on the wall as well) and then came back here.

Oh, flipping back, during my "hunt for food" walk before ranario, I did pop into Amigos Bar but wasn't impressed - it's got a huge dance floor area (empty at the time, of course), the food prices were insane, a few people were eating and one guy sitting at the bar (and I have no fucking idea what a drink might cost) and there's a (Spanish) "no sexual harassment permitted here, law nnnn" sign on the wall just to add that magic touch. (The enormous "smoke free environment, law mmmm" signs go without saying, of course.) I was *vaguely* tempted to pop in and risk ordering a beer post-ranario (it's a small enough and touristy enough place I wasn't super concerned about risk of eg dogs on way back after dark), but frankly it feels like a shit chance of meeting anyone for a chat and given the mood I've been in drinking alcohol felt like a bad move anyway.

So as I say, I came back here and I lay down on bed in room to read for a bit and then started writing this. There was no one else but MoS who checked me in here when I checked in, there did seem to be a few people on the terrace/balcony (I haven't been on it so don't know what it's like) when I got back but on top of all today's psychodrama I just couldn't see myself going out there, even ignoring the fact I don't feel comfortable here after being fucked around with the money on checkin. They also seemed to be speaking Spanish with native kind of accents as well, which was (at least in my frame of mind at the time) offputting.

Right, I think the main missing thing from above is the zipline etc shit. Ads for this/horseback riding/quadbike tours are all over the place. Oh, there's also a night wildlife walk (which I think J+V's friend Jack might have told me about doing) which semi-advertises the fact you see tarantulas.

All of this stuff is almost perfectly calculated to fuck with my head. It's the sort of thing I could *maybe* do but aren't quite sure if I'm capable of. (Although FTR I have essentially zero desire to go horseback riding, something about it - it's quite hard to pin down - just feels deeply wanky and there's no compensating "but it does sound fun too so I shouldn't be such an uptight bitch about it" aspect.) I *sort of* fancy doing them but not that much. I *do* want to take advantage of being here. I don't like being a miserable sulky fucker but one thing and another's just really brought it out in me today. They all feel vaguely "embarassing" things to do, in a strange and probably personally idiosyncratic way that while actually I don't really think there's anything wrong with wanting to do an "adventure activity" like this, I can imagine feeling ashamed to tell anyone I've done it afterwards, in a way I wouldn't feel ashamed to say I went on a 2-3 day walk like eg the one in Santa Marta.

Bear in mind that here I've decided, sensibly enough I think, I don't have to decide this today. A lot of these activities are 2-3h sort of things - add an hour or two for the included transport, say. I personally suspect there's no massive shortage of spaces on them, and it's not inconceivable I could (say) go book one first thing Wednesday morning for Wednesday morning or afternoon. If there is *massive* shortage of spaces then I have the perfect excuse for writing them off, these are not deathbed level regrets. If there's a minor shortage and you have to book a day or two in advance, I probably have time and could stay another day or two.

But as I say, there's this vague irrational feeling of embarassment about doing these things, added to which is the element of doubt about my capabilities. What if I sign up for the zipline thing (some of which go really fucking adrenaline heavy on the ads, but - of course - none say "suitable for timid first-timers" , because that would put most people off) and I bravely give it a go and I absolutely fucking hate it but I've already crossed the first zipline and there's no way back? The money is borderline not a concern here - these things are probably USD50ish based on leaflets in hostel reception and if I decide to have a go I am willing to write that kind of price off as experience.

And I fucking hate being - I'm tempted to say "such a coward" , but that's not quite right. The problem is really that I seem to lack a fairly basic level of self-confidence because "most" people (or am I a victim of advertising creating a false impression here?) presumaby don't think twice that they might not be capable of such things, and *that's* what I fucking hate, that I do have this constant fucking self-doubt etc etc.

And these kind of emotions stirred up by all this shit added to a somewhat irrational but still real feeling that I'm a total loser to be here on my own when the place is full of groups of other tourists has really been dragging me down. I didn't really mind being on my own up until now, as it wasn't being rubbed in my face somehow. And yet, because I'm an inconsistent arse, I also find myself thinking that I have nothing in common with all the people here (beyond the bare fact of being a tourist - but I'm a pissed-off tourist and they presumably love it here) and that I have absolutely nothing I'd want to talk to them about.

So fuckety fuck fuck. Not having the best time so far, even if it's probably mostly my own psychological quirks at play. Incidentally while it's certainly *busy* here it is not absolutely heaving - you're not fighting your way through crowds to get down the street or anything like that.

There's no Grupo Mutual ATM here, just two other banks - but that fits, Grupo Mutual don't have such an exhorbitant withdrawal fee as other banks, and we couldn't have anything non-exploitative here in SE, could we?

I keep trying to tell myself that whatever exactly kicked all this off I'll maybe feel better in the morning. Also that all this wankiness in town is somewhat irrelevant, as I'm *really* here to see the cloud forest (eg tomorrow's walk, maybe ziplining and/or night walk) and while that's still "part of" this unpleasant-feeling tourist shit, it's still a bit different.

Gut feeling is that I may take a punt on ziplining but taking care to avoid the more adrenaline-oriented ones. (Also the hanging bridge walks do look kind of cool and more up my street; I honestly don't know if these are part and parcel of the same tours or you have to do them separately.) I mean, I've been tandem paragliding a couple of times and liked it, although I don't like the excessive dipping and swooping the pilots do sometimes to "show off" a bit and the associated stomach feelings. I don't exactly like heights but then I kind of do in the right circumstances (paragliding again). On a stupid but not sure if I'll ever get a straight answer, am I "supposed" /"able" to take daypack with me (e.g. for fleece or shell jacket if it rains/gets cold) on these zipline tours or is that going to fuck with the harness and/or leave me constantly worrying it'll fall open/off and be lost? But then, what if I *don't* take a jacket etc with me and it pisses it down for four hours?

As guide book suggests, a lot of these tours overlap. Even putting the irrational embarassment factor aside, while eg a quadbike tour does sound vaguely fun, it's not something I particularly desperately fancy, whereas the ziplining does kind of appeal, has a slight "challenging myself" factor *and* is one of those iconic CR tourist activities it feels a shame to miss out on "over nothing" when it does kind of appeal. It's just this "could I (my stomach) handle it?" doubt. I mean, if I *knew* I'd utterly flip out doing it, I would feel a bit pathetic but that would be that, I wouldn't put myself through it.

This kind of "am I just a total wuss?" challenge from all these ads etc today hasn't helped either, though I may be repeating myself there.

I dunno about the night walk. It does kind of feel like something that might be within my capabilities, but it might also be unpleasantly far outside my comfort zone. TBH this is one reason I wanted to see the tarantula at the insect part of the ranario, to help judge this.

I don't feel quite so bad now as I did - probably a combination of time passing, spending a bit of quiet time reading, and maybe the cathartic effect of writing this crap out. But I'd be lying if I said I felt great.

I am yawning a bit, I may make a move towards bed soon-ish. The hostel breakfast is 7-8 and I do want to try to get that (part of the reason for not choosing the 6:30 bus tomorrow morning, although also of course because it's damn early and I already did a damn early start today - I am still waking up relatively early by my standards, but not *that* early) in to get as much value as I can out of the fuckers (to be scrupulously fair, if they *hadn't* tried to rip me off on checkin, I'd be saying this place is amazing value - it also
has cheap availability for an extra two days on booking.com with free cancellation, but I'm not doing that) and because it's obviously so fucking expensive to eat here I want to get any free/already-paid-for food I can.

2000 To give CR its due (and at this point bear in mind I'm only slagging off MV/SE, not the whole country), I have not been asked for ID at any hostel. I did have to show my credit card sized passport copy when buying my SIM, but otherwise no ID requests. Of course I'm *not* anonymous as I'm going via booking.com or similar, but it is still quite nice if in practice not really a big difference.

I find myself wondering if I should - for my own sake - try to convince myself the checkin fuckery was an honest mistake. But that isn't necessarily possible, nor is this exactly "the big problem" right now, even if it may have played its role in greasing the mental skids.

2019 In bed. Had a not v warm shower (not really blaming the accom for that - San Ramon accom's suicide shower also decidedly cool, even with low flow, despite being pricey).

Fingers crossed I feel better tomorrow. Just rambling further, as if this isn't long enough already, I do wonder if there's an element of snobbery on my part about "touristy" activities like eg ziplining. But I don't really think that's it. I don't set myself up as a "traveller" - after all, I am not socialising, which is *the* fundamental part of being a "traveller" , I think - as opposed to a tourist anyway. And going round the botanical garden in Sarchi was "touristy" and that didn't bother me.

2040 I sometimes wonder if I should stop writing this public blog (it's still public even if no one reads it) as it's maybe inhibiting. By way of a pseudo-experiment, let me make the following admissions, which I actually don't think are remotely surprising or shocking or unusual, but which make me uncomfortable (and probably make me uncomfortable in my own head, even aside from the public blog aspect):

- I would actually like to meet people and have little conversations with them, just as a kind of human contact and anti-loneliness thing. (And to maybe fight various internal tendencies to believe every other tourist/traveller is some combination of smugarse confident twat and SJW. This aspect probably is a bit unusual/personal to me, although probably not "shocking" to a hypothetical reader, more just "weird".)

- I would like to do "fun but somehow silly"  things like ziplining, and I'd like to do them without feeling embarrassed about it. (eg not feeling ashamed of doing them/wanting to do them, not wondering if the staff operating them think I'm - and probably the rest of the group too, not just me - a wanker for being there in the first place)