Quetzaltenango, Friday

1641 At Tiguila for filete de pescado. Incidentally the accidental implication of the two sentences in yesterday's entry that the retired rabbi was telling me about international drug culture was not intended; that was someone else.

School OK, seem to be getting on OK with teacher and with Spanish. Signed up for another week. Need to sort out accommodation for next week but been too lazy so far.

Plan is to go to that bar with live music (alone) tonight. Teacher said it's very good and also recommended some other bars. Oh, last night's quiz was at El Shamrock. Will go back to hotel first, not staying out from now til then.

American restaurant owner I spoke to last night confirmed that it is absolutely normal here for staff to completely ignore you when you've finished eating unless you call them. (She has to stop them doing this when they go to work in her fancy restaurant in the US.)

Somehow my phone has acquired a deep scratch across the top of the screen; it's tolerable but annoying when viewing at an angle as it refracts a slightly different part of the screen. I didn't drop it, I am not aware of having done anything special to it last night, maybe it was just an accident waiting to happen with the vaseline tin in that pocket (I have now moved it to the other pocket). Looking on the bright side this will make it marginally less annoying if I end up losing it and having to buy another one.

Wasn't exactly hungover this morning but did feel very tired and it was an effort to drag myself out of bed.

1730 Lingering over coffee. Been feeling freer to use mobile data allowance lately as I see how relatively little modest web browsing uses. Just been on booking.com and booked a 1 bedroom apartment for Q603 for 7 nights. No mention of taxes but even if there is 22% on top that's not bad. I hope it's not a shithole but seemed like a worthwhile gamble. It's a bit further out (500m from central park, and probably 600-700m from the school) but I think it will be OK. I can always try somewhere else if I don't like it, and if it's truly terrible I can just write the money off and book elsewhere. I did wonder briefly if it would be less lonely to book into a hostel but it would be nice to have some real space and a kitchen and a fridge. Feels good to have got this sorted; I need to check out of current hotel Sunday morning. I did maybe allow myself to be pressured slightly by booking.com's "almost never available!" and "2 similar apartments are sold out" shit, but I did a quick bit of Googling and found three reviews (score only) ranging from 3/5 to 5/5 before booking. I suppose if it's just one apartment it will get a lower turnover of guests than a hotel and so get fewer reviews. It *does* have free wifi - lack of that would be a deal breaker - and it says there is a terrace and garden, although I suspect these are communal to the block.

I am aware that as of today the titles of these blog entries are starting to repeat but it doesn't really matter.

2039 Heading out. Feel oddly nervous, but all I'm doing is going to a bar to listen to some music. I'm not going out of my way to strike up conversation with anyone, I'm not planning on drinking a lot or staying out late. Anyway, let's go.

2056 At Salon Tecun. Sat at bar near stage, think musicians on at 9 - it's on board outside, so I may be misremembering. Got litre bottle of Cabro for Q41 (free popcorn thrown in), Dorado Ice is only Q35 for a litre but maybe it's piss so won't try it now. May read on phone while waiting, not sure - no one else sitting at bar (two women were but they've gone) anyway, and all the inside tables are busy or reserved so couldn't sit anywhere else. Feel OK really.

Oh, I think my teacher told me this morning I didn't really need to tip at all. I will probably keep doing it anyway, given Odilia seemed to think it was approppp

2202 Well that was a bit random. Guy from school/pub quiz team last night came over and invited me to join him and his teacher who were out for a beer. They just left. We spoke Spanish, I felt a bit awkward but didn't do too badly (he is much more advanced than I am). Hard to talk over the music but we went upstairs for a bit. Am back at bar now. Music was OK if not astounding so no worry I couldn't just sit and listen to it. Band is off now but I suspect they may do a second half.

Nearly finished this litre - which is 5.2% as they told me. Might have a litre of Dorada and then go home. I am thinking I might do a mini solo pub crawl tomorrow night and see if I bump into anyone.

Interrupted sentence was going to end 'appropriate'.

Spanish teacher - whose name I alas forget - said it's the same band here every week, and that"s why the locals didn't really applaud after each song. Still feels a tiny bit rude to me but FWIW.

Got litre of Doarada Ice. Tastes OK if a bit flavourless, perhaps prejudice. Sign on wall says "si bebe para olvidar pague primero gracias". I understand it but the combination of tenses seems odd compared to my recollection of stuff we've been doing in class this week; I should try to see if it does in fact agree and ask teacher if it doesn't.

2308 Band been back on for maybe half hour. They did a cover of "voy a pasarmelo bien" which made me smile. For some inexplicable reason at some point in last half hourish I thought about the ZSL friendly spider programme - I sure as fuck haven't seen a spider here - and I am toying with signing up for it after a quick at-bar web search shows it still exists, isn"t overly expensive and the actual animal interaction is optional. (Maybe it would work so well I'd want to do that bit. But current feeling is I'd do the course once without it and then perhaps go a second time to maybe do the interaction.) It isn't on in 2019 til Aprilish but I can't book until I know when/if my post-Xmas trip will be. Feel strangely excited. Hope this isn't some psychic warning of impending encounter... No idea at all why I thought of this though.

2334 Band still on. Did a cover of "te quiero" earlier. Feeling surprisingly chipper. Half thinking that I'm not going to regret not seeing Coban or Tikal or whatever on my deathbed, I can return here in a year or so and maybe it would be cool to spend most of the remaining time here studying to really give my Spanish a boost. No need to decide now, of course, just burbling. Don't feel pissed but if going out tomorrow night maybe should be sensible. Went to bog - queue for gents! - leaving my beer which I think was tecnhically foolish but felt OK. Some git nicked my seat so standing now, but no big deal. Not totally surprising but doesn't quite fit with the super polite "theme" I have read is prevalent here.

For all the fact I may be a little edgy walking home and I am obviously a bit drunk, thinking about the horrific fears I had before I came about security, they feel ridiculous.

This "street" of bars is Pasaje Enriquez, FWIW.

2341 Another Brick In The Wall Part 2 Cover. :-) In Spanish.

0018 Band just finished. I understand all bars here (except presumably illegal after hours places, which I understand exist) shut at 1 by law. I got a (small, though no idea what actual size) Moza after finished that litre of Dorada Ice. I don't say I *couldn't* try to strike up a conversation - ooh, maybe another impromptu band on - but tho don't feel really drunk, I"ve had quite a bit and I now plan to be out tomorrow so won'lt force it. But if band of some impromptu guys is going to perform I may stay out til 1 and have another Moza - that probably works out at 6ish pints, which isn't ideal but isn't terrible.

So tonight my feeling is if anyone feels cosmopoltan and wants to strike up a conversation with the white tourist guy, cool - but I'm not seeking it directly.

No, what I thought was an impromptu band is dismantling the equipment. So I will leave shortly after finishing this beer.

0034 Back at hotel. As last night - I asked at reception before going out last night - had to ring bell to get in but no problem, and for all that my Spanish sucks, doing that kind of interaction in Spanish is so much better than just being the foreigner who only speaks English as I was in eg Thailand. Yes I am drunk - thought not excessively, I feel totally rational and can type - but the idea of extending my stay here, going 'deep' instead of going for breadth, working on my Spanish etc for almost all of my remaining time is tempting. But as I said earlier, I don't need to decide now - nothing wrong with mulling it over, but ultimately it's a week by week decision. Yes, I"d like to hike round Panajachel but - I am waiting while I acclimatise to altitude - there are lots of hikes round here which I could do at the weekend or even take a day off school. Yes, I am sure Coban and Tikal are cool - but I have seen such sites in other places, it"s highly likely I'll live long enough to visit them in future (after doing ZSL FSP :-) ) and I am not going to reget not visiting them on my deathbed if I instead stayed here and "went deep". Feh. Bed.

Quetzaltenango, Thursday

1652 At Palacio de los Jugos, have asked for pollo dorado but who knows?

Another power cut last night - woke up about 3am with no power, still off when I got up (pushing it to last minute) to go to school. At least I had a battery for my torch this morning.

Classes OK if not absolutely great. We didn't do any shopping, I did hang around in the kitchen and 'help' a tiny amount but it was not really a big deal. The lunch was more involved than I expected - some of the female teachers and students got dressed up in traditional costumes and we had a bit of a talk - but it wasn't excessively awkward. I also managed to talk to a few people (perhaps doing OKish on names if not great) and I am going to an Irish bar tonight for some regular quiz night to meet some of the students. (There's a bit of a split as another pub has karaoke; I don't plan to get anywhere near drunk enough to sing so I'm going for the quiz.)

So on the whole this turned out much better than I expected. I'm not quite sure why there seemed to be so many more students and people were more talkative today than earlier in the week. Anyway, given the relatively low impact of the cooking thing after all I will stay on another week.

There might be some possibility of renting an apartment by the week; one student mentioned something she'd seen and another mentioned airbnb. I will probably check this out tomorrow afternoon.

Did homework after the lunch thing finished back at hotel and have come out to eat (Mana song playing "oye cabron" ?) then will go back to hotel before heading out to pub 7:45ish. Think people will be there 8ish and quiz 8:30 but torn between being sure I get a seat vs being there too early. I may struggle to recognise everyone at this stage.

"En el muelle de San Blas" now.

1716 Food OK, pretty decent frijoles negros (which I ate on the tortillas; no idea if this is enormously rude or not), chicken a bit tough. They didn't have rice so got chips - absolutely gutted. ;-) Papaya juice, I think. Will see if I can get them to break a 100 so I can maybe avoid having to hand one over at the bar tonight.

I tried fixing the insole in one of my shoes yesterday and it seems to have stayed put today unlike the other one, so I did the other one when I was back at the hotel earlier. I hope this works longer term; if it doesn't I hope it doesn't damage the waterproof lining when the tape gives way. I suppose it might be OK as my weight is pressing down on the tape to help hold it in place some of the time.

1802 Back at hotel. Went into supermarket and spent 7.05 on a couple of small cake bar things and a few bananas so I can snack on them when I get back tonight. Paid in coins as have accumulated a fair collection of shrapnel over the last few days, after having run out of change completely a while ago.

As long as I don't drink too much tonight should be fun. I don't think there'll be too much problem given I know I have to be up in time for class tomorrow as does everyone else.

The bar is a few blocks due north of hotel, so should be easy enough to find way there and back. Some of the people I spoke to today were a bit less reassuring about safety than I had heard until now but not excessively worried.

One of the guys I spoke to this afternoon said he wasn't using insect repellent but had managed to get a prescription for doxycycline at USD0.20 a tablet/capsule back in the US which was anti-malaria. OTOH, he said he had been asked for USD3000 (!) for rabies vaccination, so he hadn't had it.

0037 Just got. back to hostel. We got a free tequila for best team name - Skeggyfornication. But then I think every team should have got a tequila so we maybe missed out. We got two litres of beer for coming second so not sure how much I drank. I learned almost too much about international drug culture; I am both humbled and appalled.  Retired rabbi actually very inspirational in a strange way. But hey, it's all cool, I am a bit drunk but none of the extreme shit from last Sunday and it was on the whole a matey evening. Bed.

Quetzaltenango, Wednesday

1804 Back at hotel.

A much better day than yesterday - though that's a pretty low bar.

School was better today, I didn't feel quite so incompetent or put upon. We didn't go to the market today, I think that might be happening in the break tomorrow. Still not sure how I feel about my teacher, but he is at least OK - I avoided getting into a big political discussion with him - and he's not supposed to be my best mate. It's too early to say if he's a great teacher but he is at least competent. We did have an impromptu expedition to some art gallery during class time - I could have said no but I didn't - but generally it was OK.

Feeling hugely uncertain whether I should change schools or not. No point being foolishly consistent with my thoughts last night. On the other hand, I haven't experienced the cooking or lunch things - that will be tomorrow, I assume - so it kind of depends how they go.

After class came back here and did homework, went out to La Vienesa then walked over to the cultural centre in the old train station. Supposedly there's an art gallery and some museums there, including one about the train station, but I couldn't find most of them. One had a door with an 'abierto' sign but it was a Mayan textiles museum which was a lower priority so I didn't go in. The main central door of presumably the old station lead into a hallway with a big photo of the station in use, but apart from a big hall with some people faffing with chairs at the end, I couldn't see any sign of a museum and there was no one around to ask. I did also see a door round the side by some football pitches saying 'ingreso' but it looked a bit like it wasn't maybe a public place. I did go in, up a staircase and halfway up it looked like some kind of university building so I decided to turn back.

Not super impressed with my own performance there, but I might have hoped for better signage of their part. I didn't see - perhaps because I never got into the right place - any noticeboards about cultural events like music or films or language exchanges as I had vaguely hoped. I will have to look on the web to see if I can find exactly where these museums are and if anything of interest is happening.

Oh, I went into supermarket on way over to La Vienesa - my teacher said they did have batteries, near the tills - and bought a single AA alkaline for Q7.75, which seems pricey but I don't often buy batteries and especially not in shops so who knows. It was at least nice I could buy one for half the price of a pack of two.

I looked on web earlier for advice re the insoles in my shoes slipping back to the heel and "double sided foam tape" seems to be the answer. Supermarket didn't have any. On a semi-whim I went into a biggish hardware store in the slightly-grittier-than-central-part area near the cultural centre and was moderately chuffed at managing to convey to three different staff members what I wanted and buy some double-sided vaguely foamy tape. I had to buy a biggish reel for Q13 but still, if it works (and doesn't somehow destroy the waterproof lining of the shoes) it's well worth it.

Went into a small restaurant I forgot to get name of in 12 avenida on way back. Was going to have pollo dorado but they didn't have it; due to a fuckup on my part in the ensuing conversation I accidentally ordered caldo de res, but it turned out nicely - big bowl of soup with beef and vegetables floating in it and tortillas on the side. Eating chunk of corn on cob was a bit tricky with just a spoon but I manfully surmounted that obstacle. I even ate the avocado on the side of the plate - it wasn't *bad*, it just seemed a little bland and bitter. So I'm going to provisionally say that I don't actually dislike avocado, but I still don't like guacamole - I tasted a bit the other week when I was in Antigua.

Feel a bit lonely coming back to the hotel for yet another quiet night in, but I am trying to have a bit of time off the booze and will try going out and maybe get into a chat this weekend (and, if that fails, during next week too; it may even be easier to strike up a conversation if it's quieter during the week) - as I think I said the other day I'll probably try that bar with live music (probably a local-ish bar but who knows) Fri and then Sat I'll try one or two of the more touristy bars (I know there's at least one Irish bar here), perhaps taking a hint from the guide book. I could also consider moving to a hostel and probably all sorts of other things (eg language exchange; I haven't even looked on the web yet - or perhaps if I do a tour on my own initiative one afternoon or weekend); really for relatively good reasons (off the booze, trying to get school sorted) I haven't been actively making an effort to meet people lately.

I have mostly written off the school as a source of acquaintances, but if I do stick on there there may be some gradual striking up of conversations etc. I still think it's best option to be having classes 8-1 for all I don't like getting up early; even as it is, it often seems to be getting on for 3 before I leave hotel after doing homework (I don't like to have it hanging over me all afternoon). I suppose you could argue that in part starting school was an attermpt at meeting people; even if I'm assuming it's a failure, it still counts as an attempt, I guess.

I am of course getting some social contact just by having the classes every day anyway.

Look, I clearly overreacted yesterday. On the other hand, it remains true that I can do the hassles associated with this cooking stuff and while it no longer bothers me so much, I do still feel I've been railroaded into participating a bit. On the third hand, feeling a bit calmer as I do today and having had an OKish set of classes today, if the cooking is not such an enormous imposition I may well feel I might as well continue with this school. As I said above, I'm not quite sure how I feel about my teacher but he is clearly at least competent and if I go somewhere else I may end up with someone who isn't, or who rubs me up the wrong way even more. I suppose I have to bear in mind that nothing stops me changing school after two or three weeks if I want, if only for a change of pace. Really I need to wait and see how it goes tomorrow.

2343 Bed. Was doing some laundry earlier and the water cut off for maybe 30 mins, but it did come back on.

Quetzaltenango, Tuesday

1540 At somewhere with no name shown inside somewhere up 12 avenue. Coffee, Q5. Feeling a bit shit. Not as shit as earlier, but a bit shit.

Woke up about 0130 and the power was off. Went back to sleep, power was still off when I got up at 0730 so I had to scrabble round in the dark with mild illumination from phone to get dressed as my room has no windows, except for some mostly obscured skylights in the bathroom.

Went to school. School director comes over and tells me about some sort of cooking activity. I said I wasn't really interested but feel I got bullied into agreeing to it.

Lesson felt like just being hit over the head repeatedly with errors and like I was drowning in rules for forming various forms of the subjunctive, of which there are apparently four tenses, except there's also some kind of futuro de subjuntivo which isn't one of the four. Director comes over mid lesson - at which point I am just grinding through things, feeling completely at sea, amid worrying about this fucking cooking thing - and talks to me and my teacher at great length about it. I 'agree' to do it, because it seems like it's kind of expected. I am completely unclear what's going on. Was told it was Thursday at 1.

But after class I talked to director again to pay the 100 I owed from yesterday and now we're going shopping to buy ingredients at the market at 1 on Wednesday. Then we will cook at 1 on Thursday. My teacher told me the weekly lunch thing is normally Friday at 1 but as some people are going on a trip to a market an hour away it's happening on Thursday. So what, are we cooking first then eating? I don't have a fucking clue. I am not sure if I am actually supposed to cook or sort of watch a bit or make notes on vocabulary or what. And yes, yes, in theory this is a good way to get to know a few other people, but given I'm expecting to feel massively uncomfortable I don't feel it's likely to be tremendously helpful. I feel like I'm not in control any more, I'm being told I'll do X and Y, and moreover I'm not even getting a clear idea of what X and Y are or when I'll be expected to do them.

I found myself harbouring thoughts of changing school at the end of the week, and even just walking out. I just felt ridiculously, excessively emotionally fragile and while I wasn't quite fighting back tears, I felt surprisingly close to crying. (I'd probably have broken out in the form of walking out first, but who knows?)

The second half of the lesson was a little better but I'm still feeling edgy, everything I say seems to be wrong either morally or gramatically and we're talking around vaguely political subjects in a way that annoys me but I don't like to refuse to discuss them because it feels churlish and maybe it's good practice at avoiding expressing any dangerous opinions.

Yes, if I already spoke perfect Spanish I wouldn't need lessons but it's still not much fun to feel I'm being ripped apart all the time. (Is this "the dip"?) I feel like I'm failing hugely on the three fronts of a) Spanish b) socialising c) feeling in control of my life simultaneously and to be honest it's fucking doing my head in.

I simply couldn't face trying to strike up a conversation (in Spanish, particularly - I have no confidence in my ability to speak it right now) during the break, but I found a copy of Mark Twain's "Life on the Mississippi" in the school library and re-read a few favourite passages.

I need to avoid being overly impulsive. I've paid for the week and I won't need to hand over the cash for the next week until Friday, so while there's probably no harm in thinking about things insofar as I can be rational and avoid ruminating, I don't need to take any precipitate action. I think I need to have decided before going to bed Thursday night if I am going to sign up for another week here or try another school. (At this stage I am not planning to just walk away from the idea of studying Spanish here.)

In a limited sense if the whole cooking/lunch thing has been shoved forward a day due to this trip (which I am not going on; I'm not that interested and my unspoken primary reason is that it would be extremely awkward if I have decided not to stay on another week), that is an advantage because I can 'experience' that before I need to make my decision on Thursday night. If it were/was (I don't have a fucking clue which is correct) on Friday, I'd potentially have to say yes or no to another week before the lunch happened.

Moving away from this slightly, I will have a look into independent social+learning options over the next week or so. Maybe a Spanish/English exchange somewhere (this is a university town and is quite large, so not impossible) and/or going to one of the "tourist" bars and seeing if I can strike up a conversation. Fuck, just having a couple of beers on my own would be nice.

I went back to the hotel after class and tried to do a bit of homework. I have some booklets with exercises and it's not clear how much or which I am expected to do. I did a bit but could hardly concentrate. I had to go out and withdraw cash and pay the hotel for the next four nights.

It's diminished a bit now but back at the hotel I was fighting down this feeling that I'm just this annoying fucking foreigner who can't even handle the basics of ordering a coffee or paying for it. (OK, turned prediction off completely on phone keyboard. Sometimes I'll be typing - on the physical keyboard, remember - and it somehow jumps back a few characters and enters a suggestion in the middle of a half-typed word. No fucking idea why.)

The insoles in my fucking shoes keep sliding back up my ankles all the time and that's really pissing me off too.

Let's have a break now I've ground all this out.

1721 In the nicest possible way, why the fuck can't I get any service? I am the only customer, I am outnumbered 3 to 1 by staff, yet I don't know how the fuck I am supposed to get attention. I don't want to be rude but I don't know how this is meant to work. I WANT TO GIVE YOU MONEY! WORK WITH ME HERE PEOPLE!

I can't help wondering if a reluctance to ask my local Spanish teacher this question is telling me something, or simply reflecting my current mental malaise.

I thought earlier - coulda woulda shoulda - it would have been smart to drill myself senseless on the mechanical aspects of Spanish, like how to conjugate every fucking verb in every fucking tense, before I came out. This would have been equally useful months or years ago, but I feel it particularly now I am having intensive classes. I don't think I can easily drill myself on my phone due to lack of keyboard capable of typing accents in a non-tedious way but maybe I should look into it.

If the staff would stop hanging around the counter I would go up and talk to the woman behind it, but it would feel awkward as is.

I should just remind myself no one gives a fuck. If I'm that annoying fucking tourist sitting in here when it would otherwise be blissfully empty, does it actually make any difference if I commit moderate breaches of local service etiquette on top of that?

I'm sat by the open window and there's a slight annoying breeze but I don't know if I can change my table. Man these little things have a surprisingly big impact on my mood and feeling of comfort.

I need to work as hard/well as I can on my Spanish this week even if I am going to change schools - no point wasting the time, money and opportunity I currently have.

All the staff seem busy emptying out a cupboard full of plates. I should chill. It's getting on for dark but that is not a huge problem here and apart from the tedious homework and shaving and doing a bit of laundry I don't really have a lot to do tonight so there is no rush. I have lost that pleasant feeling of unhurried relaxation I had a few days ago though.

One question is how much would I lose from switching to another school at the end of this week, in terms of rapport/comfort with my teacher and his ability to know what my strengths/weaknesses are? I suspect some but not much after a single week.

I'd think they were closing and waiting for me to leave if the menu didn't say they serve breakfast in the afternoon from 4-9pm.

1738 Still no service. They're all having a chat so I don't like to interrupt. Maybe if I stop fiddling with my phone they will come over.

Find myself wondering if I should fuck off out of Xela. But I don't dislike the city, I think that would be premature. I should maybe investigate other hotels as well as other schools, though frankly on my budget I am not confident of doing any better.

I suppose if I change schools and still feel shit, I can be relatively confident the problem is with me, whereas if I stay and continue to feel shit, I won't know.

1804 Tried sitting with phone in pocket, still being ignored. I appreciate they might just be respecting my privacy and not pressuring me. But I am losing the plot sitting here ruminating. I was going to order some food here but I'm not sure any more. I feel I'm in a kind of stalemate where I can't ask for attention now. This is fucking ridiculous. It's pretty dark out now.

But I can't really face going to eat somewhere else either. This continual feeling that EVERYTHING I DO IS FUCKING WRONG is getting me down.

And to think a week ago I was actually enjoying myself. Well, sort of. 10 days ago I was.

I'm going to go use the toilets, if that doesn't break the stalemate I might just walk up to the counter and ask to pay. That is probably wrong too but at least it will get me the fuck out of here.

1835 Went over to counter and paid and left. Supermarket doesn't sell batteries. Losing the plot. Probably not having eaten except for a small (and pleasantly aniseedy??) bread bun during break at school probably not helping mood. Come back to the so-far unnamed place on 12 av (which is not far from PdlJ). I'd like to punch the world in the face. Tempted to just tell school I'm quitting, let them keep the rest of the money and fuck it. I am sure that's just the bad mood/low blood sugar talking and I'm aware it's neither mature nor rationally self-interested.

Was going to get bistek but apparently they don't have it; this did however force me to ask what pollo dorado actually is (seen it on various menus) and it's dusted with flour (presumably golden maize flour). Still got to do fucking homework tonight when I get back to hotel.

The trouble with the linguistic difficulties in restaurants and other situations is that I don't see how I will ever learn to do it better.

Oh, that place where I couldn't get served was called Tiguila.

1920 Back at hotel. They did have bistek after all, served with some quite decent cooked potatoes/veg and a lump of stone cold mashed potato which I ignored. Oh, and soup and tortillas. Think it was about 20, I handed 10 of my change back as tip. I still have this feeling I am massively over-tipping but fuck it, I see little chance of actually getting this resolved properly.

Feel a bit better for having eaten but not great. Will try to do some homework and engage in some constructive thought.

Am I falling into the sunk cost fallacy wrt this school? I don't *think* so. While I'm not super happy, it wasn't too bad yesterday and it doesn't seem smart to write it off immediately. I think deliberately avoiding the sunk cost fallacy, the 900 I've handed over is gone. So my options are to try this school free for a few more days before I make my mind up, or hand over a pro-rated 600-700 to some other school to start tomorrow or Thursday. Notwithstanding my emotional "fuck it" attitude, I think it's reasonable to give the school another try for free.

1943 Done a bit of laundry. How the fuck did I end up here? Maybe I'm deluding myself - I haven't re-read the blog - but I was so excited to be going to study Spanish again on Friday and now look at me. Maybe it's just a bad day and I've massively overreacted.

I do also wonder if the constant near-political discussion has stirred up all the shit which had sedimented harmlessly out of my mind as a result of my conscious attempt to keep the hell away from politics. Not my fucking circus, not my fucking monkeys.

I obviously wouldn't tell the current school the real reason I was leaving, because I don't want them pressuring me into staying. Hell, I'm not even sure I'd know what the real reason was. I'd just tell them I've decided I'm not ready to study at this time after all.

2152 Feeling a bit better, done a bit of reading around the issues and listened to a bit of music and so forth. Going to do my best to act 'normally' (not 'one foot out of the door') for the rest of the week, but gut feeling is I am going to change schools. This whole cooking business may not be a big deal, but if I stay I'm either going to have to go through the attendant awkwardnesses (cooking shit, not eating anything at the actual dinner) every week *or* I'm going to be the one awkward sod who refuses to participate. I didn't sign up for this. I thought the eating together thing on Friday would involve me eg buying a chocolate cake (I'd even eyed one up at La Vienesa) or similar and taking it in for an informal no-fucking-fuss meal/snacking session with a bit of chit chat, not a huge weight on the rubber sheet of my soul. :-)

And although it's *not* a deal-breaker, if I can maybe get away from the politics that's got to be a good thing.

2250 Having done a bit of reading around, I am going to attribute the discomfort and grimly attempting to master the new material while feeling I am not ever going to remember it to what Seth Godin apparently calls "The Dip" (I haven't read the book yet) - that slog between the initial fun bit of learning a new skill and mastery. It's *not* fun, but it does encourage me to keep trying and ignore my monkey brain telling me I'll never get it. It does also make me feel a bit better about the way I assume I look grim and/or beleagured (sp? but had to turn the spell checker off as ranted about the other day) during the lessons rather than cheerfully sucking down the new material. I don't know if this is normal or not, but still. (Might be interesting to talk to my long-term Spanish teacher about this to see what she thinks.) However, while we'll see how the next few days go, I still thing I am going to do this grim struggling at a different school. If nothing else I don't like the feeling of having been pushed into doing the cooking shit this week to start with.

2341 Bed. Don't feel tired but I don't want to be short on sleep if I can help it, I understand that's not helpful in terms of mood.

Quetzaltenango, Monday

1833 Just got back to hotel.

Woke up about 0630 in a blind panic, the usual trapped sense of despair. Went back to sleep and woke up feeling OK maybe an hour later, before dozing half awake and snoozing on my alarm until about it 0725. Got ready OK and got to the school 5 mins early.

Felt strangely off-balance and was ushered almost straight away into courtyard to meet my teacher, who told me his name and I had forgotten it within ten minutes. Although we discussed more politics than I would like the first 2.5h flew by and then we had a break for half an hour. That was socially awkward; I didn't expect to be immediately best mates with anyone but I was hanging around with that 'at a party not knowing anyone' feeling a lot. I did chat with a couple of Japanese students but I can't remember their names either; I maybe have slightly more of an excuse with Japanese names (even though I did repeat their names when they told me) but I'd have forgotten if it was anything more exotic than John - the one name, of a guy I exchanged about five words with, I can remember. Got to work on this.

Anyway, remaining 2h of class was OK, a bit awkward and grammatical and "what do you want to study?" ish but OK on the whole.

I paid during the break, because I had the bills folded in my pocket and handed them over folded my intention to have the torn corner of one bill unnoticed failed. Much discussion over this but school director told me to take it to a bank and they'd change it.

I left the school and went to the recommended bank only to find it was closed; security guard told me it only opened from 9-1. All the other banks seemed shut too.

Went back to hotel feeling a bit peeved - though of course, to be strictly fair the torn note was not the school's fault - and did my homework. Then went out with intention of having a coffee at LV, albeit feeling generally a bit unhappy not chuffed.

Spotted a branch of Banco Azteca lurking at the back of a big white goods shop and queued up in there and although the cashier didn't understand what I was saying at first, she replaced the note without any fuss, which was a relief.

I then ended up having a phone call (I can receive but not call out) with my mum while standing out on the street opposite; she told me my brother's cat had unexpectedly had a massive heart attack at midnightish last night and had to be put down after a trip to the vet in the early hours of the morning. Perhaps this small tragedy put things in perspective, or maybe getting the torn bill off my hands helped, but by this point I felt pretty OK if not actually all that chipper.

I figured I'd take advantage of the decent mobile reception (unlike my hotel room) and relative privacy (unlike the street) at LV to live chat with Three about my inability to make calls while I had a coffee and another form of bread roll I asked the name of twice (it didn't have a label) and was completely unable to catch. It took a while and they didn't sort me out, but they seem to have given me £10 free credit and they are escalating the issue and will get back to me. Considering I expected them to just blame my phone I was impressed; I still wonder if ultimately they will say that, but if I really have got a free tenner that's not bad compensation for being unable to make calls when everything else works.

I then went for a bit of a walk, maybe 45 mins, and ended up at Palacio de los Jugos for a small steak, with soup, rice, tortillas, potatoes, spring onions, tomato and cucumber for Q20, oh that with an included blackberry juice, followed by a Q5 coffee and made it Q40 with tip. Then came back here via supermarket; tempted to buy some snacks but I just got a gallon (3.78 litres) of purified water - I hoped this was going to be Q1.5 based on sign on shelf but that was too good to be true, turned out to be IIRC 7.8. So I didn't have enough change out and had to fumble around at checkout. Meh, it's still cheap.

Plan for tonight is just to bum around in hotel room, maybe read a bit, do a bit of laundry and perhaps force myself to do some Spanish vocabulary study on Memrise.

2334 Bed. Didn't do any Memrise. Meh. Not exactly tired but felt might as well go to bed. Got to be up at 0630 feeling shit, right? :-)

Quetzaltenango, Sunday

1153 At La Venesa. Getting empanada de pollo (15), coffee (6) and a cabezona (1.5, a sort of bready thing). Nominally popped out to withdraw a big chunk of cash to pay school but came here first, will go get cash and lock it up in bag back at hotel after. Plan for today is just to walk round a bit.

Woke up about 8am then again about 10. Deliberately didn't set an alarm as want to ensure I've had adequate sleep before starting on the 8am classes. School confirmed, so all set for tomorrow. (Was virtually certain yday but got e-mail this morning.)

Dithered around in hotel calling parents and cleaning teeth and so forth, probably left about 15 mins ago - I probably actually got up about 1030-11.

D"oh, place is actually La Vienesa. I'd been reading backwards writing on the door until now and misread.

Gah, empanada turned up on a plate with knife and fork and covered in a lightly spicy tomato saucey stuff. I scraped most of it off and managed to eat it, which I think was quite a good performance considering my dislike of the sauce. The empanada itself was actually quite nice and fairly substantial.

Bill should be 22.5, I will actually probably just make it 30 due to change issues. I did over-tip yesterday anyway.

1230 Procession just went past. Saw a banner saying something about remembering the military dictatorship and another 'ven Señor Jesús', and a load of people carrying a big float-y thing coffin style on their shoulders, and two guys with tubas bringing up the rear. (Definitely a procession not a protest though.)

(Didn't take any photos; it seemed rude.)

1317 Back at hotel briefly. Withdrew 1500 from a 5B machine on my debit card and pleased to see the fee is fixed (31.20) not a percentage. On the downside, one of the 100 notes has a torn corner. I hope this isn't going to be a problem. I will try to give it over to the school tomorrow morning as a starting point.

It's very sunny and hot when not in the shade. Going to leave fleece at hotel. Tempted to wear cap but I do have sunblock on my head and I don't plan to deliberately sit around in sun so I won't.

1353 Still at hotel. Pissing it down. By sheer luck this started before I went out. Guess the sunblock and insect repellent I just put on my arms was wasted... I'm pretty sure I can buy sunblock here (but factor 50?) but I may struggle to get any more picaridin (sp) insect repellent - but I couldn't bring half a litre of the stuff with me, realistically speaking. (100ml bottle says it will last 1 person 2 weeks.) The longer I can put off having to buy anything containing DEET the better; I have no health concerns about it, but I enjoy not having my plastics destroyed. (Someone on web other day saying only 100% DEET eats plastic; I am dubious myself.)

0.08mm precipitation this hour according to phone forecast app. It must just sound heavier than it really is.

1656 In Pollo Campero just off central park. Elton John's "Sacrifice" playing, though barely audible.

Went for a walk. Quite sunny, bit of water in the streets. Tried to walk along the N-S avenidas but either I'm crap at it or they aren't quite as regularly grid-like. Eventually stumbled on some kind of free live music at a stage set up at one corner of central square, so listened to that for a while then came in here. I had been hoping for the indulgent lardiness of a KFC, but it's slightly up the Nando's spectrum with table service etc. Had 2 pieces chicken, chips and a diet pepsi (in theory I am entitled to a free refill, but you have to ask a waitress and TBH I haven't seen my waitress since I ordered). 44.50, just handed over 100 and waitress (a different one) said "muy amable" , but I trust I will get change. Will tip 10 as per plan, I had hoped to avoid tipping if it was KFC style service at counter but meh. Food OK but chicken was a bit cold and it's knife-and-fork so not the indulgent carefree guzzling I'd hoped for. I had been intending to have a fried ch...

1756 Back at hotel. ...icken binge pretty much since I saw the first fried chicken place here (which IIRC was Pollo Campero in Guatemala City from the shuttle to Antigua) but kept eating in other places and not wanting to eat anything else. I was a bit disappointed in the context of my specific 'gorge myself on unhealthy food cheaply' desire, but as I say it was OK.

The band was playing again in square so watched a song or two then managed to find the supermarket near there and buy some bananas, apples, water and peanuts. I took my own bag this time, had it stuffed in back trouser pocket. Peanuts still pretty expensive. FWIW 1.75l water 8.75, peanuts (looking at receipt) surprisingly variable in price at 3.3, 6.7 and 4.5 each 80g I think, apples 9.9 for a bag of about 6 small Gala apples, bananas 2.66 for 4 (at 1.4 per pound).

2344 Bed. Been reading and doing a bit of laundry and so forth. Not really tired but got to be up early etc. Not not tired either. Oh, turns out I bought sparkling water by mistake. Not a big deal, I like sparkling water, but won't be so good once it goes flat and not ideal for cleaning teeth. I had a bit of still water left fortunately, and I'll probably have to buy another bottle tomorrow.

Quetzaltenango, Saturday

1257 It's Revolution Day, IIRC. Not that I see much obvious sign of public celebration.

Woke up about 0830 with one of those irrational sensations of panic which rapidly turned into a mixture of despair and a sensation of being trapped. No reason for this, of course, and fortunately I went back to bed after a drink of water and it disappeared.

Woke up again 0930ish and sort of drowsed in bed. I sent an e-mail to school 2 so I hope they reply; I have a nagging doubt that was the school which said I should call them, but I saw so many I just can't remember. Bit reluctant to call on a public holiday too. But I may call later this afternoon if I haven't had a reply, since I have a feeling they sort out the teachers for the week on Sunday. Meh. Fingers crossed they reply first.

At La Venesa; had a bit of a struggle to find it but I have now got it located in relation to central park. Plan for today is just to wander round and try to get my bearings. Had a 'corona' (a bread pastryish thing) with my coffee; quite nice. Apart from the fact I don't like the prices in UK coffee shops enough to visit them regularly even for coffee, I would never indulge like this there as these kind of extras seem insanely priced. You pay three quid for a coffee and they want to charge you another quid or two for a microscopic biscotti or something. Here I think the coffee is about Q6, and a tostada (a big round biscuity thing maybe 10cm diameter) is Q0.5. So about 10% of the price of the coffee. My corona was an indulgent Q1.5, but even so, not disproportionately priced compared to the coffee.

I need to be careful not to overdo these little snacky luxury things or I'll end up going back home fatter than when I left; I was hoping to somehow quietly lose weight over the trip.

Still, I expect to clock up a fair amount of walking today which should help.

1313 Still at LV. School replied, they normally require a deposit before arranging a teacher as they still have to pay the teacher if the student doesn't turn up, but as they are closed today they are making an exception but want me to confirm I will be there. Have replied confirming price and hours, but it looks like I'm in. I just hope more than usual I'm not sick on Monday morning as it could be awkward if I am.

Don't have gut churning 'did I do the right thing?' feelings, so either a) I am quite happy with this decision and/or b) I realise it's not that big a deal. (Yes, I waffled a lot yesterday and I don't regret that, but it's not a trivial decision but also not life threatening.)

Tempted to have another coffee and/or bready thing (they seem a bit too unsweet - not the I'm complaining - to warrant being called pastries, but I'm probably being unreasonable, a croissant is a pastry IIRC and I don't find them all that sweet, not that I eat this kind of thing much) but I do want to try to get the layout of the place sorted in my head and get some exercise walking and just generally 'see' stuff so I will be strong. I'll probably have several more coffees today anyway.

The book I'm reading on my phone (Andy McNab's Recoil) is failing to grip so let me waffle further about my modified tipping algorithm. As I say, I think my Guatemalan Spanish teacher said this was reasonable. If the pre-tip bill is x:

- basic tip y is 0.1x

- if y is less than Q10, tip is min(x, 10), otherwise tip is y

The thinking is that on a 'big' bill (which I seldom have because I go to cheap places) I tip 10%, maybe with a tiny bit of rounding. But on a Q10 bill a 10% tip is piddly, so I tip Q10 anyway. This was my earlier tipping algorithm. But that grated when I was faced with buying eg a Q3 coffee and tipping over 300% by handing over a Q10 tip, hence the compromise that on really cheap things I just tip 100%.

In some sense this might seem trivial and/or miserly. But I think it's quite important - I know it's not quite the same, since AIUI people often work just for tips, but I have seen relatively sane people on web forums get massively heated over US tipping etiquette. I want to be 'fair' but I also (let's be honest) don't want to make my holiday cost more than it needs to and (true, but would be deceptive if I pretended this was the only reason) I don't want to be the flash tourist twat with the implied "hahaha, I can tip you an hour's wages because even that is nothing to me, third-world scum" attitude.

Not that I do feel particularly rich because I'm foreign. Even eating in cheap places a meal is costing me about three or four quid with tip, which is only about half what I'd pay in a cheap UK place like Wetherspoons, and arguably the Wetherspoons meal would be more substantial. I'm sure the fall in the value of the pound doesn't help there, but even if we imagine it back up around $1.6/£ it would only lower prices here by about 20% if my rough calculation is right.

(Nor am I saying Guatemala *is* third world. The description doesn't fit well with me, but it may be technically true. I don't know. Maybe the term is not used these days anyway.)

Incidentally, part of the tipping thing is that I don't want to be penalised for going into two separate places and having a Q3 coffee in each, compared to having two Q3 coffees in the same place. If I always tipped a min of Q10 it would cost Q26 for the two in two places compared to Q16 for two in one place, whereas my current system costs Q12 either way.

I am wearing fleece over a long-sleeved T-shirt. It's a bit too warm to be wearing this, TBH, but not terrible. I was tempted not to wear the fleece but weather forecast suggested it would get a bit cooler later. I should have left it at the hotel though, it's not like I plan to be miles away from the hotel or stay away from it until late tonight so it wouldn't have been a big deal if I had got too cold later.

Oh, I did happen to walk past my chosen school this morning without trying on my way trying to find this place. Not too surprising given it is so near the hotel, but perhaps a mildly good sign. :-)

Waiting - not too impatiently - for someone I can ask for the bill. I feel pleasantly unhurried on the whole. Do need to look into extending my booking at current hotel up to say Saturday now the school is confirmed. I don't want to be changing accommodation halfway through the week.

1509 At Palacio de los Jugos, having a papaya juice with grilled chicken breast, soup, rice and tortillas for 20+tip. Might have a coffee after before I leave. Have walked a fair chunk of the calles (E-W) around central park. Not all - particularly those to N/NW of it probably undersurveyed - but still. Spitting gently. Will at some point do a similar walk concentrating on the N-S avenidas.

1528 Well that was really good, especially the soup. I hope I don't get a bad reaction (of course I'd have to struggle to pin it down, but still) as I could see coming here quite often. I will have a coffee. Only shame is that the seating is ridiculously low.

1606 Still sitting here with empty plate in front of me. I've been looking round making eye contact with guy who I think is the waiter for the last few minutes but he will not come over - I am the only customer. I am reluctant to actually call out in case he isn't the waiter, because if he is why the fuck won't he come over? Fuck this, I'm going to have to risk being rude.

OK, no problem. I guess maybe he was just being polite leaving me to myself and nothing ushering me out. Have asked for a coffee. I may not get round to walking much more today depending on light but that's fine, I have tomorrow and sort of later days too.

2010 Back at hotel, been here a while. Had to overtip in PdlJ as I did at LV due to lack of change, but there you go. Got 2x600ml bottles of diet coke for Q12 after semi-epic search - accidentally handed over 3xQ10 bills but luckily shopkeeper noticed and was honest.

Have done a bit of laundry. Uploaded a few photos, unless my phone is just broken the upload speed here seems astoundingly high.

Watching some stuff on Youtube etc. A teensy bit dull but actually what I miss most is sitting properly in a chair and looking at a screen I am not holding. I end up sprawling around the bed in various postures which all get uncomfortable after a while. I do have a chair but even if I were to sit in that I'd still have to hold phone in my lap and look down and I think that would be even less comfortable.

Pedometer app says 16,799 steps today so I did do a fair bit of walking.

2156 Just booked this hotel for extra nights so I now check out on Sunday. Same price as before, Q95+22% tax per night.

Homestay is *way* cheaper - it's similar most places I think, but my school charges USD50/week for homestay, private room (but presumably shared bathroom unless you are lucky) with three meals a day included. The school's own accommodation (shared bathroom, but presumably a private room) is USD38/week (no meals). I don't know how far out a host family could live, one school said within 5 mins walk of central park IIRC but don't think mine says that. Mostly academic as barring major change of heart I'm not up for homestay.

Also the accommodation here is as cheap as I could expect, it's not expensive and I'd be paying it anyway even if I wasn't staying at a school. I may consider other options, just possibly I could rent a flat for a month, but I am not sure I'd be up for the commitment - see how it goes.

Oh, renewing the booking makes me realise I *did* book a double room anyway, this isn't a lucky break.

2233 Had to turn off the spellchecker on phone. It's a useful feature except some braindead moron decided that when you tap the screen to move the cursor to a mistyped word, it should pop up a little menu offering the choice of 'add to dictionary' or 'delete', so you have to make a second tap somewhere else to get rid of that menu before you can correct the mistake. I'd be perfectly happy with it doing the red underlining for words not in the dictionary, but there seems to be no way to get that without enabling the menu. It's been quietly driving me nuts writing stuff like this drivel on the phone for weeks.

OK, being scrupulously fair that was indeed happening, but I had turned off various predictive features and I can't quite remember why they were causing me such grief, so I've turned them all back on and reenabled the spellchecker. No, the spellchecker still pops up that fucking menu when I try to correct - yes, I can choose a predicted replacement from the bottom of the screen but the pop up is still there. Let's try leaving the prediction on but turning the spellchecker off - again, a massive shame I can't have it underlining stuff while otherwise keeping the fuck out of my way.

I saw my phone was using the Blackberry Spellchecker, so I installed Gboard just to be able to select the Google Spellchecker, but it appears to behave exactly the same. And since - thanks (genuinely) to a popup warning for pointing this out - a spellcheck app could in theory snoop on everything I type, I can't go in search of a third party spellcheck app which might leave me alone except for underlining misspellings.

Swiftkey doesn't seem to have its own spellchecker - fair enough, but no use.

So it looks like I have to do without spellchecking. Arseholes. I'll leave the predictive stuff on since superficially that does nothing except show suggestions unless I click on them. I am not sure they add any value for me - in English at least - but let's give them another try.

(It would be nice if I could control spellcheck and prediction on a per language basis - my Spanish is poor enough they're worth the hassle there - but that is admittedly a niche requirement. This stupid spellcheck popup issue does annoy me though.)

I think I forgot to say earlier that I had a shower this morning and the water was actually warm verging on truly hot. The flow wasn't great but I doubt you ever get that from these suicide showers (and my shower at home isn't exactly a power shower, though it's still a cut above what I am getting here)