Quetzaltenango, Tuesday

1540 At somewhere with no name shown inside somewhere up 12 avenue. Coffee, Q5. Feeling a bit shit. Not as shit as earlier, but a bit shit.

Woke up about 0130 and the power was off. Went back to sleep, power was still off when I got up at 0730 so I had to scrabble round in the dark with mild illumination from phone to get dressed as my room has no windows, except for some mostly obscured skylights in the bathroom.

Went to school. School director comes over and tells me about some sort of cooking activity. I said I wasn't really interested but feel I got bullied into agreeing to it.

Lesson felt like just being hit over the head repeatedly with errors and like I was drowning in rules for forming various forms of the subjunctive, of which there are apparently four tenses, except there's also some kind of futuro de subjuntivo which isn't one of the four. Director comes over mid lesson - at which point I am just grinding through things, feeling completely at sea, amid worrying about this fucking cooking thing - and talks to me and my teacher at great length about it. I 'agree' to do it, because it seems like it's kind of expected. I am completely unclear what's going on. Was told it was Thursday at 1.

But after class I talked to director again to pay the 100 I owed from yesterday and now we're going shopping to buy ingredients at the market at 1 on Wednesday. Then we will cook at 1 on Thursday. My teacher told me the weekly lunch thing is normally Friday at 1 but as some people are going on a trip to a market an hour away it's happening on Thursday. So what, are we cooking first then eating? I don't have a fucking clue. I am not sure if I am actually supposed to cook or sort of watch a bit or make notes on vocabulary or what. And yes, yes, in theory this is a good way to get to know a few other people, but given I'm expecting to feel massively uncomfortable I don't feel it's likely to be tremendously helpful. I feel like I'm not in control any more, I'm being told I'll do X and Y, and moreover I'm not even getting a clear idea of what X and Y are or when I'll be expected to do them.

I found myself harbouring thoughts of changing school at the end of the week, and even just walking out. I just felt ridiculously, excessively emotionally fragile and while I wasn't quite fighting back tears, I felt surprisingly close to crying. (I'd probably have broken out in the form of walking out first, but who knows?)

The second half of the lesson was a little better but I'm still feeling edgy, everything I say seems to be wrong either morally or gramatically and we're talking around vaguely political subjects in a way that annoys me but I don't like to refuse to discuss them because it feels churlish and maybe it's good practice at avoiding expressing any dangerous opinions.

Yes, if I already spoke perfect Spanish I wouldn't need lessons but it's still not much fun to feel I'm being ripped apart all the time. (Is this "the dip"?) I feel like I'm failing hugely on the three fronts of a) Spanish b) socialising c) feeling in control of my life simultaneously and to be honest it's fucking doing my head in.

I simply couldn't face trying to strike up a conversation (in Spanish, particularly - I have no confidence in my ability to speak it right now) during the break, but I found a copy of Mark Twain's "Life on the Mississippi" in the school library and re-read a few favourite passages.

I need to avoid being overly impulsive. I've paid for the week and I won't need to hand over the cash for the next week until Friday, so while there's probably no harm in thinking about things insofar as I can be rational and avoid ruminating, I don't need to take any precipitate action. I think I need to have decided before going to bed Thursday night if I am going to sign up for another week here or try another school. (At this stage I am not planning to just walk away from the idea of studying Spanish here.)

In a limited sense if the whole cooking/lunch thing has been shoved forward a day due to this trip (which I am not going on; I'm not that interested and my unspoken primary reason is that it would be extremely awkward if I have decided not to stay on another week), that is an advantage because I can 'experience' that before I need to make my decision on Thursday night. If it were/was (I don't have a fucking clue which is correct) on Friday, I'd potentially have to say yes or no to another week before the lunch happened.

Moving away from this slightly, I will have a look into independent social+learning options over the next week or so. Maybe a Spanish/English exchange somewhere (this is a university town and is quite large, so not impossible) and/or going to one of the "tourist" bars and seeing if I can strike up a conversation. Fuck, just having a couple of beers on my own would be nice.

I went back to the hotel after class and tried to do a bit of homework. I have some booklets with exercises and it's not clear how much or which I am expected to do. I did a bit but could hardly concentrate. I had to go out and withdraw cash and pay the hotel for the next four nights.

It's diminished a bit now but back at the hotel I was fighting down this feeling that I'm just this annoying fucking foreigner who can't even handle the basics of ordering a coffee or paying for it. (OK, turned prediction off completely on phone keyboard. Sometimes I'll be typing - on the physical keyboard, remember - and it somehow jumps back a few characters and enters a suggestion in the middle of a half-typed word. No fucking idea why.)

The insoles in my fucking shoes keep sliding back up my ankles all the time and that's really pissing me off too.

Let's have a break now I've ground all this out.

1721 In the nicest possible way, why the fuck can't I get any service? I am the only customer, I am outnumbered 3 to 1 by staff, yet I don't know how the fuck I am supposed to get attention. I don't want to be rude but I don't know how this is meant to work. I WANT TO GIVE YOU MONEY! WORK WITH ME HERE PEOPLE!

I can't help wondering if a reluctance to ask my local Spanish teacher this question is telling me something, or simply reflecting my current mental malaise.

I thought earlier - coulda woulda shoulda - it would have been smart to drill myself senseless on the mechanical aspects of Spanish, like how to conjugate every fucking verb in every fucking tense, before I came out. This would have been equally useful months or years ago, but I feel it particularly now I am having intensive classes. I don't think I can easily drill myself on my phone due to lack of keyboard capable of typing accents in a non-tedious way but maybe I should look into it.

If the staff would stop hanging around the counter I would go up and talk to the woman behind it, but it would feel awkward as is.

I should just remind myself no one gives a fuck. If I'm that annoying fucking tourist sitting in here when it would otherwise be blissfully empty, does it actually make any difference if I commit moderate breaches of local service etiquette on top of that?

I'm sat by the open window and there's a slight annoying breeze but I don't know if I can change my table. Man these little things have a surprisingly big impact on my mood and feeling of comfort.

I need to work as hard/well as I can on my Spanish this week even if I am going to change schools - no point wasting the time, money and opportunity I currently have.

All the staff seem busy emptying out a cupboard full of plates. I should chill. It's getting on for dark but that is not a huge problem here and apart from the tedious homework and shaving and doing a bit of laundry I don't really have a lot to do tonight so there is no rush. I have lost that pleasant feeling of unhurried relaxation I had a few days ago though.

One question is how much would I lose from switching to another school at the end of this week, in terms of rapport/comfort with my teacher and his ability to know what my strengths/weaknesses are? I suspect some but not much after a single week.

I'd think they were closing and waiting for me to leave if the menu didn't say they serve breakfast in the afternoon from 4-9pm.

1738 Still no service. They're all having a chat so I don't like to interrupt. Maybe if I stop fiddling with my phone they will come over.

Find myself wondering if I should fuck off out of Xela. But I don't dislike the city, I think that would be premature. I should maybe investigate other hotels as well as other schools, though frankly on my budget I am not confident of doing any better.

I suppose if I change schools and still feel shit, I can be relatively confident the problem is with me, whereas if I stay and continue to feel shit, I won't know.

1804 Tried sitting with phone in pocket, still being ignored. I appreciate they might just be respecting my privacy and not pressuring me. But I am losing the plot sitting here ruminating. I was going to order some food here but I'm not sure any more. I feel I'm in a kind of stalemate where I can't ask for attention now. This is fucking ridiculous. It's pretty dark out now.

But I can't really face going to eat somewhere else either. This continual feeling that EVERYTHING I DO IS FUCKING WRONG is getting me down.

And to think a week ago I was actually enjoying myself. Well, sort of. 10 days ago I was.

I'm going to go use the toilets, if that doesn't break the stalemate I might just walk up to the counter and ask to pay. That is probably wrong too but at least it will get me the fuck out of here.

1835 Went over to counter and paid and left. Supermarket doesn't sell batteries. Losing the plot. Probably not having eaten except for a small (and pleasantly aniseedy??) bread bun during break at school probably not helping mood. Come back to the so-far unnamed place on 12 av (which is not far from PdlJ). I'd like to punch the world in the face. Tempted to just tell school I'm quitting, let them keep the rest of the money and fuck it. I am sure that's just the bad mood/low blood sugar talking and I'm aware it's neither mature nor rationally self-interested.

Was going to get bistek but apparently they don't have it; this did however force me to ask what pollo dorado actually is (seen it on various menus) and it's dusted with flour (presumably golden maize flour). Still got to do fucking homework tonight when I get back to hotel.

The trouble with the linguistic difficulties in restaurants and other situations is that I don't see how I will ever learn to do it better.

Oh, that place where I couldn't get served was called Tiguila.

1920 Back at hotel. They did have bistek after all, served with some quite decent cooked potatoes/veg and a lump of stone cold mashed potato which I ignored. Oh, and soup and tortillas. Think it was about 20, I handed 10 of my change back as tip. I still have this feeling I am massively over-tipping but fuck it, I see little chance of actually getting this resolved properly.

Feel a bit better for having eaten but not great. Will try to do some homework and engage in some constructive thought.

Am I falling into the sunk cost fallacy wrt this school? I don't *think* so. While I'm not super happy, it wasn't too bad yesterday and it doesn't seem smart to write it off immediately. I think deliberately avoiding the sunk cost fallacy, the 900 I've handed over is gone. So my options are to try this school free for a few more days before I make my mind up, or hand over a pro-rated 600-700 to some other school to start tomorrow or Thursday. Notwithstanding my emotional "fuck it" attitude, I think it's reasonable to give the school another try for free.

1943 Done a bit of laundry. How the fuck did I end up here? Maybe I'm deluding myself - I haven't re-read the blog - but I was so excited to be going to study Spanish again on Friday and now look at me. Maybe it's just a bad day and I've massively overreacted.

I do also wonder if the constant near-political discussion has stirred up all the shit which had sedimented harmlessly out of my mind as a result of my conscious attempt to keep the hell away from politics. Not my fucking circus, not my fucking monkeys.

I obviously wouldn't tell the current school the real reason I was leaving, because I don't want them pressuring me into staying. Hell, I'm not even sure I'd know what the real reason was. I'd just tell them I've decided I'm not ready to study at this time after all.

2152 Feeling a bit better, done a bit of reading around the issues and listened to a bit of music and so forth. Going to do my best to act 'normally' (not 'one foot out of the door') for the rest of the week, but gut feeling is I am going to change schools. This whole cooking business may not be a big deal, but if I stay I'm either going to have to go through the attendant awkwardnesses (cooking shit, not eating anything at the actual dinner) every week *or* I'm going to be the one awkward sod who refuses to participate. I didn't sign up for this. I thought the eating together thing on Friday would involve me eg buying a chocolate cake (I'd even eyed one up at La Vienesa) or similar and taking it in for an informal no-fucking-fuss meal/snacking session with a bit of chit chat, not a huge weight on the rubber sheet of my soul. :-)

And although it's *not* a deal-breaker, if I can maybe get away from the politics that's got to be a good thing.

2250 Having done a bit of reading around, I am going to attribute the discomfort and grimly attempting to master the new material while feeling I am not ever going to remember it to what Seth Godin apparently calls "The Dip" (I haven't read the book yet) - that slog between the initial fun bit of learning a new skill and mastery. It's *not* fun, but it does encourage me to keep trying and ignore my monkey brain telling me I'll never get it. It does also make me feel a bit better about the way I assume I look grim and/or beleagured (sp? but had to turn the spell checker off as ranted about the other day) during the lessons rather than cheerfully sucking down the new material. I don't know if this is normal or not, but still. (Might be interesting to talk to my long-term Spanish teacher about this to see what she thinks.) However, while we'll see how the next few days go, I still thing I am going to do this grim struggling at a different school. If nothing else I don't like the feeling of having been pushed into doing the cooking shit this week to start with.

2341 Bed. Don't feel tired but I don't want to be short on sleep if I can help it, I understand that's not helpful in terms of mood.