Antigua, Saturday

0957 Having coffee at hostel, sitting in hanging chair in front terrace. Woke up 9ish, got up maybe 10 mins ago. Let's have a quick poke to see if I have all the details needed for online checkin handy.

1003 OK, I have a link that seems to work. Flight is Mon 17 Dec at 7:05pm and online checkin opens 24h before then. This is a bit inconvenient re possibly going to Snug for the live bluegrass but we'll see what happens.

Haven't showered yet today. I am thinking I might go up CdlC and it might therefore make more sense to shower when I get back.

1050 Feel a bit odd, like there's something I really should be doing but aren't. I do need to book a shuttle and scope out an internet cafe for printing boarding pass and (in an emergency) trying to do online checkin if phone won't play ball, but neither is ultra pressing.

Not exactly in mood to go up CdlC but will probably be good once I am up there and it is a bit early for lunch. Had a Snickers bar (last one left from hike).

1431 Back at hostel. No coffee. Went up CdlC - nowhere near as much of a walk as I half-remembered, though legs are still hurting a bit. Not that busy, though some people, some flying drones. Spent maybe 45 mins up there mulling over random stuff, generally feeling OK. Didn't take camera with me but snapped few photos on phone.

Lunch - slightly disappointing - at El Faro then went and got some chips (very oily but quite nice, though not at all hot) from stall in market (fingers crossed). Peered in at Snug on way back but couldn't see any list of events. Went into a tour agency re shuttle, they want Q80 (oh, I asked at hostel desk on way out, they want Q85) for 1230 but recommended 3pm for Q96 (why is 3pm so much more expensive? Higher demand due to this 7pm flight I am on??). I don't think I can chance 3pm TBH, and while being at the airport sucks I am not really going to be able to relax at hostel until 3pm, especially since shuttles always seem to turn up 10-15 mins late. I just need to reconcile myself to 1230 departure then will go out, maybe in an hour or so, to see if the first place I got a leaflet from the other day will do it me for Q75.

Had a shower just now, not put any subblock on yet.

1655 Been out, booked Q75 shuttle to airport on Monday at 1230 (too early, but the 1500 option is just too late) - guy was saying something to me about pound sterling while I was trying to concentrate on writing out my very long googlemail.com address and I was a bit worried he wasn't joking (not sure really what he was saying) and was trying to jack the price up, but anyway, got it booked.

Just got beer at hostel bar. Sitting on front terrace not round back by bar itself but WTF.  Taking opportunity to charge phone, am at least not wearing headphones. Was a bit tempted (though looked a bit hostel-y and young) to go into El Ilegal for their Q10 happy hour beers but told myself I am supposed to be experimenting with "hanging around hostel" shit.

Checked duty free allowances earlier; not sure if Mexican allowances matter to me but in any case their limit seems to be 3 litres of spirits compared to 1 litre for UK, so I can - subject to packing worries - and will (tomorrow) buy as many small bottles of Quetzalteca as come to 1 litre, as small gifts for friends and/or something to keep for myself.

Let's start scribbling about Acatenango. This is not going to be a blow by blow account.

Hardest bit was actually the first half of the walk up from where the bus dropped us to the actual park entrance. Consensus opinion was this was due to body not having got "used" to the exercise (aerobic vs anerobic stuff), dunno, but a) it was not just me b) I actually wondered if I'd be able to make it if it was this hard right on starting.

I hadn't got quite enough water so paid Q15 for an extra litre at bus drop point (luckily didn't need Snickers at Q15 compared to what already felt an extortionate Q8 in supermarket) and also paid Q10 to rent a hiking stick (wood), which was definitely a good buy.

After that first difficult bit the walk up was actually not that big a deal. Not trivial and I wondered if I was developing a headache at around 3200m but I wasn't. Food was better than I expected, I got pesto spaghetti at base camp instead of spag with tomato sauce as result of my expressed preference.

We were on the whole pretty lucky with weather. When we got to base camp the weather was clear enough for us to see Fuego at a distance of about 2km for a bit, and we got several daylight eruptions (when for whatever reason you see no red lava) with clouds of white or black smoke coming out. We later on got a lightning storm incl bolts of lightning in the clouds mostly below us, though a bit of it was above us, and we avoided getting any more than a few drops of rain.

I/we (especially I) missed some night eruptions due to having gone to bed just before and/or not getting out of tent quickly enough. But I did get to see some night eruptions what my memory kind of recalls as red dots of lava all over the place. Have got some photos from other people (I tried a few but night photos v hard without a tripod, and probably my compact camera wouldn't be up to it even without that issue - a couple of guys had v serious camera gear and I think even didn't go to bed to get as many photos as possible) but the camera does I think capture so much more light than the eye that the photos may look rather more intense than the reality. I may have missed some of the really big eruptions but what I did see what still pretty damn cool; I am just saying the photos may not capture the on-the-spot experience, in some ways they make it look better than it is.

Was cold but not too cold; we all slept in our clothes etc and being on camp beds (apparently a new-ish feature of Tropicana's own private base camp) doubtless helped. I had rented a sweatshit and put it on overnight (or did I? Maybe not, I think I only put it on at 4amish when we went up to summit) but otherwise wore my own gear (Karrimor fleece and wind jacket combo and waterproof over-trousers (solely for extra layer, not against water)  and the cheap beanie from the market, for 4am ascent also wore cheap gloves from market and rented scarf) and was fine. Hands were a bit frozen towards end of morning stuff at summit but nothing too serious.

Walk up in dark (with headtorches; my homemade pre-trip strap to hold my miniature flashlight worked fine, if anything the only problem was determining which of three brightness settings my torch was on because I didn't want to stare into the beam to compare the intensities as I would normally do at home) was a bit risky-seeming and not trivial but not too big a deal. The sky was almost completely clear (I think because we were above the clouds) so the sunrise had really "pure" bands of colour, orange just over horizon and then not so far above that the sky was that deep blue you get pre-dawn. I snapped some photos but obviously hard to capture this kind of thing. Views from the summit truly impressive, looking down on the surrounding area, cliched but really did feel like being on top of the wall. We could also see some lava on Pacaya in the distance and what we think was the Pacific coast.

Coming down from the summit I half deliberately and half accidentally kept sort of sliding down some of the rather sandy/scree-y (?) paths, which was quite fun. In general although we kept sort of being checked by being too close together we could sort of jog down the slopes (having pole helps a lot here) on the way down which made it quicker and more fun than I had expected - I remember coming down San Pedro felt interminable.

The perceived risk in the pre-dawn walk up was acceptable and probably TEA-style a sort of acceptable and fun kind of risk. Overall it wasn't a trivial exertion but at the same time, except for worries about altitude, I don't think it was particularly hard - I would probably put it at roughly the same level as the Quetzaltrekkers 3 day hike Xela-San Pedro, although IIRC people on that hike said Acatenango was harder. I took a 600mg Ibuprofen tablet roughly every 6 hours (four in total) starting about 7am on the Wed. Oh, I woke up about 5am in high-altitude bunk at Tropicana on morning of hike - not exactly from worry, I think I just did - and tossed and turned and tried to read etc in bed until got up maybe 7-7:30ish.

1722 Just got second beer. Maybe a bit early to be drinking but WTF.

I think that's the high level overview of the hike done. I'll probably jot down any additional thoughts as/if they occur to me.

Do have very strong feeling that I can't possibly speak to anyone in the bar out of the blue. Meh. I put this down to age, but I'm sure I'd have had another excuse if I'd been here when I was 25.

1736 Here's a quick copy and paste from Tropicana web site re hike. This seems to fit fairly well with what actually happened (though we had breakfast in bar as terrace was closed).

Hike Acatenango With Us.

Anyone hiking with us gets a free breakfast to start your day served in the hostel rooftop terrace at 8am.  At 9am the shuttle leaves the hostel and it's roughly an hour drive to the bottom of the volcano.

Around 11am we start our hike.  The guides go at the pace of the group so there is no pressure, we take our time, stopping every 500m for a breather and once for half an hour around 1pm for lunch.  The hike to camp takes an average of 4 hours, so you should arrive around 3pm, the guides will then make a fire and cook dinner, your camping equipment is already up at base camp so all you need to do is relax and take in the views of Guatemala Kilometres below and Volcano Fuego erupting straight across at eye level.

In the morning we have an early start so don't stay up too late or drink too much wine over the campfire.  We awake at 4am to begin our final push to the crater for sunrise. We leave our tents and all our gear at camp, all you'll need to carry to the top is a torch, some water and most importantly, your camera to capture the spectacular sunrise.

Must say that notwithstanding my mild discomfort with Tropicana the hostel, I don't regret doing hike with them - not having to carry any gear and having the camp beds and the camp already set up was very nice, though of course I have no idea if it is much different with other companies and if you wanted a bit more of a challenge/"authentic" experience I could see some value in going with a more primitive company.

Hostel apparently has trip to the after-party at this legendary swimming pool rave place tonight; several people have told me this got broken up by police with tear gas last week. I don't particularly intend to go even if I get into chat with anyone, it sounds a bit of a transport mare and the fact it's a rave makes me think it's not really the place for a beer drinker like me.

1759 Yawning a bit. Kind of wish I'd had a second meal today - the lunch-ish at El Faro wasn't ultra substantial - but reluctant to go out again at this point. Not that there's necessarily any yawn-food connection, I'm just waffling. Let's get a third beer.

1808 Quick musings/notes on meeting people...

Several people recommended couchsurfing.com, this apparently does not involve necessarily staying at someone's house. Not tried this yet, should.

Tours like 3 day hike and Acatenango have been OK (if not that great for 3 day hike) in terms of meeting people, though I have failed to make any connections which really lasted past end of trip (if we ignore going out Thursday night with those guys).

Language exchanges might have some potential, though I didn't meet anyone unofficially outside of the one in Xela. I think someone mentioned meetup.com in a related sense and there's also some other website I have a note of somewhere.

I have to say that only one person in dorm has said even "hi" to me, and while I see other people seem to have formed a certain kind of friendship with certain other people, it doesn't seem superficially that people are talking to random other people. It feels rather more of a tube-style polite ignoring of other people in a cramped space. Early days yet to draw a solid conclusion, but I guess what I am saying is I don't even see other people getting that much interaction on in dorms, rather than this being something I specifically am not doing.

Hostel pub crawls probably be a good thing to try but nowhere I've been has had one obviously happening while I've been there. I could potentially have sought these out more; I assume they are open to non-guests in general.

Meeting locals is different from meeting other travellers. But I'm struggling to meet even other travellers, which bugs me, even if I'd prefer to meet locals overall.

I suppose - while it's not rational - I may have a kind of waiting room mentality right now, I'm about to leave the country and (not that it won't be sort of nice to be home, though I am also actively dreading certain aspects of it, eg the pre-Xmas prep shit) I'm feeling a bit down about the end of my holiday and it's "not worth the effort" to be social and given I am feeling slightly miserable anyway being social is harder.

1858 Oh, from base camp at night, could see many nearby settlements - one of the largest (Escuintla?) had sodium-orange street lights and with atmospheric "wobble" it made me think of orangey coal-fire glow sort of thing.

1908 Fourth beer. This is feeling a bit of a sullen night of solo boozing, and normally I'd do that somewhere more lively with a chance of meeting someone. But hey, stick with the experiment. Bar is not super busy (it's small; it's busy for its size but maybe 10-15 people tops) and there aren't really any free seats nor AFAICS was there anyone sitting alone who might be a theoretical conversational partner. So maybe I shouldn't beat myself up so much over my social failings. I *could* have forced myself to sit at the bar earlier, even though I'd imagine that looks a bit desperate, but since there are only three stools at the bar it also feels a bit in the way and I think all are occupied at the moment. Since I'll never have to return here I might plonk myself down there later if a space opens up and see what happens. Also can't help thinking this rave-y after party at end of night influences atmosphere a bit; weekends almost logically shouldn't matter to tourists but clearly this isn't quite true.

1932 There were a couple (?) of very nice friendly dogs that came up Acatenango with us, pretty much from getting off the bus to the summit. At least one sneaked into our tent at night. No idea if these are the guide's dogs in any sense or strays which are sort of accepted. 

The dogs did occasionally have a mini-fight between themselves but otherwise were extremely friendly. Although it wasn't one of the dogs which I remember coming up with us, I am stroking a golden dog in one of the group photos, and it kept offering me its paw to shake hands.

1936 Can't help thinking (foolish consistently feels a bit late now for this hostel) I should almost wear my "I want to meet people" feelings on my sleeve. Not that anyone's actually ever likely to ask, but hypothetical conversation by way of illustration:

(thanks to copy and paste earlier newlines are acting a bit oddly. I love super-smart magic technology)

"Why are you sitting here at the bar on your own?"

"I'm travelling on my own and I thought it would be a good way to meet people, you arsey hypothetical prick."

My serious-ish point being that I should be totally honest with myself about wanting to meet people, it's not a secret, and therefore no need to try to play weird games which ultimately lead to me sitting here boozing solo in the deserted front terrace of the hostel. :-)

If other people don't like me, they'll have to fuck off somewhere else or just ignore me. :-)

2009 Have come to sit in the bar area with fourth beer. I feel monstrously awkward but the reality is no one gives a fuck, this way I might get to overhear an interesting (if simultaneously smug and annoying) conversation and you never know. It's all de-sensitisation practice. Woman (not the one who spoke to me yday) from Acatenango hike is at table nearby - but it's so small it's all nearby - but no intention of intruding on her group of smokers.

I did try just sitting here without playing with phone but couldn't stick it for too long. Meh, all practice.

At least being here opens up the (microscopic, I feel, tonight, but still) possibility of a conversation with a fellow loner/oldster/whatever.

Smell of marijuana. I think (and JR told me I'm a naive idiot for thinking this) it should be legal, but it fucks me off that other people feel such smug self-confident assholes that they can smoke something illegal in public. Meh.

Do, listening in on some conversations and feeling bitter, think my real problem is that I lack a feeling that my own views and experiences are deeply fascinating and relevant and that other people would just be enchanted to hear about me and who I am.

2038 Yawning a lot and feeling like an incredible loser as the conversation boils around me. But hey, it's all experience, right? And at least I feel more entitled to be bitter having made an effort and sat here than hiding quietly and peacefully in the front courtyard. :-)

2046 Yeah, this is super fucking awkward. But with the help of Dr Hall I shall stick it out. Trying to be rational, I do kind of feel it doesn't help there's no other single guy (couldn't speak to a woman due to age gap, plus a lack of interest in intersectional third-wave feminism ;-) ) here. Obviously if I were a deeply interesting 25 year old with fascinating views on life I could probably approach a group of strangers, but I'm not, so I can't.

2049 Fucking hell, someone's nicked or cleaned away my nearly but not quite empty beer. Do I have to cling on to the fucking thing like a teddy bear? I'm feeling increasingly annoyed but gonna have a slash and get another beer. All part of the experiment.

2054 Got one of three seats at bar. Feels if anything even more conspicuous, but either no one else cares in which case it doesn't matter, or my presence bothers someone in which case the more I piss them off the better. Seriously jealous at how many of these fuckers smoke too, though that isn't a primary issue, honestly.

Ah, unlike the low seat at the sole table, this high seat at bar does allow me to stare meditatively out over the courtyard. Let me try to retreat into a rich inner world of alcoholic meditation...

2115 While I'm not sure my current mood makes my perceptions overly accurate, I found myself asking what would be different if I were (or, near equivalently, appeared to be) 25 (and, let's say, not overly handsome). I still wouldn't feel comfortable approaching these big groups of people who seem to know each other. In fact the risk of women thinking I was trying to chat them up would be *higher*. The only real advantage would perhaps be a feeling I had more of a right to be here than I currently do, ie I might feel less of an impostor. But it's not such a big advantage as I might have previously predicted.

It is a bit odd/disappointing being in a slightly less party atmosphere than Tropicana isn't helping much. But my own negativity related to end of trip may not be helping. Bar shuts in 42 mins so we'll see how the mood changes.

Cynically, perhaps there's also lacking in me a willingness to believe that a casual social interaction constitutes acceptance. The messages around the bar (some nerd even wrote "not all those who wander are lost" ) make me wonder if I'm alone in feeling that the social connections which - admittedly - elude me are not as deep as all that. Meh. I'd still like to be able to join in.

2137 I can't help feeling a certain (slightly depressing, though not age-related depression) power in the "what if I looked 25?" question. Worth returning to sober/in better mood, I feel. Can't help thinking right now it would make little difference, which is a mixture of depressing and cheering.

People seem to be on verge of leaving for this rave thing, including bar staff. *Not* going out of hostel on own once it goes dead here - were I not returning home Mon might do, though also some issues re going out in places I otherwise would after Incident at start of trip put me off - but hope can get sullen solo beer up til 10. I *am* a bit bitter at not being able to join in, but it is a minor revelation to realise it's not totally age related. There's some kind of vapidity and/or self-confidence about other people wanting to be around you which is key, I think.

2143 Got a (last) beer.

Probably repeating myself, but for the avoidance of doubt, my "considered" judgement right now is that if (assuming no one was paying attention to me, as was likely) a random genie had made me (look) 25 an hour or so ago (and I knew it happened), *nothing* would have been different. (Barring, I suppose, a sudden confidence surge from the actual transformation.) In other words, it doesn't feel like a 25 yo would have had legit social options I didn't. And equally, had this happened a week ago, would it have really changed anything? Some things I *didn't* do just *might* have seemed more acceptable/natural, but it's far from clear to me that age was/is my primary problem.

Let's not forget the already acknowledged issue that I am feeling a bit down at end of trip and not in my most outgoing/positive mood anyway.

2156 Mass exodus to this rave. Feel a bit left out and like I haven't lived, but there's a zillion reasons not to go, quite apart from fact no one is inviting me. If I got arrested it would *really* hurt given my impending flight. As already noted my preferred drugs aren't rave-y, and it doesn't seem prudent to start branching out in a foreign country where it's illegal two days before I fly home. But still feels a bit miserable not to be invited, but at least I *am* being genuinely rational here, not just depressed.

(But - again subject to my fucked-up mood - if I looked 25, what would be different ? Would anyone have invited me? Would I feel any more welcome to attend? (And let's not forget at base this is a commercial enterprise of some semi-licit kind, so ultimately it's not about being cool or liked, any more than I can only drink in a Spoons if Tim likes me.) Probably not. And the other arguments would be equally valid.)

To be scrupulously fair nothing this out-of-touch guy has heard tonight says it's illegal. For all I officially know it's a party shutting at 1 in accordance with local law etc. But I've overheard enough and read enough on web to have a fair idea this is not the case.

And I have to say that - maybe it's just jealousy - I don't look at most of the young guys and think "fuck yeah, wish I looked like that". They're not fat or out of shape or anything, I'm sure they do fine with the ladies, but they all have a slightly douchebag air to my mind with their shorts and beards and well let me just not try to describe it, because I won't be fair, but while I envy their options and probably reality, I don't objectively wish to look like them.

Good job I have no readers, 'cos I feel this is all a bit messed up. But meh. Some fuckers having trouble getting bus or whatever over to rave, which makes me feel mildly (and unfairly) smug. But hey, let's be honest, I do resent these smug cunts and their delightfully partyish life.

2220 Already knew was transport mare but barmaid telling some irrationally annoying fucks who have somehow missed the official transport it's 40 mins drive over to this rave. (I kind of gather it's getting back which is the *real* mare, but what do I know?)

Bit tempted to go out and try and buy a single but telling myself I'm hacked off and it's far better to save such unhealthy things for a fun, having a good time env in future (eg perhaps an illegal bar in Santiago). Still a bit torn but prob won't sccumb.

They seem to be thinking Tropicana can help them. Seems implausible to me; transport at some point yeah, but specific transport at any time of night WTF? But what do I know? I'm just a bitter guy sitting at bar listening to these cunts.

Quite schadenfreude pleased at their doubt and uncertainty re getting to this rave. Not admirable on my part and these guys seem OKish and no worse than bulk of crowd earlier but hey, whatever.

2337 Enjoying some private headphone music in deserted (open air) bar - feels better than doing so in dorm at this time of night. No extra alcohol - half wish had a bottle of Quetzalteca and *if* visit another country with these open air hostel bars and "own alcohol allowed outside bar opening houjrs" worth bearing in mind. Could have gone out for beer and/or a single to bring back to do this with but decided not to. Feeling much happier than before, will do a bit more but won't force it too late.

0023 Bed