Quetzaltenango, Tuesday

1042 Class a bit better so far (we're on the break), though we spent most of it doing exercises, at least (possibly at my insistence) we are doing them verbally. I have agreed to go on a trip to a nearby volcano at 5am on Saturday. Mixed feelings about this. I will have only been here three weeks at that point which is not quite as much acclimatisation as I would like but director seems to feel this will probably be OK. I am advised to take sandwiches and fruit as food; to be honest I can think of few things less appetising than a manky sandwich which has been bashed around in my backpack in the sun for a few hours, so I will probably buy some fruit for form's sake (perhaps apples, as they are less disgusting when bruised than bananas) and take some peanuts contrary to advice. I also apparently need a sombrero (not just a cap) but after further discussion I think i can get away with a cap (I will have to go to la Democracia market to buy one) and perhaps my scarf and/or sunblock on ears as I usually do anyway.

No one has said anything about gloves but after worrying about slicing my hands open on rocks while going downhill at Pacaya (which - I asked - is apparently easier than this volcano we are going to, though I don't think this one is terribly extreme) I may see if I can buy some anyway. This may be a dealing-with-surly-market-folk too far, but we will see. No idea if I need insect repellent but I will (as I would anyway) need to buy some more sunblock.

This does kind of lock me into not leaving this school on Friday - though I guess if I simply lied and said I was going to stop attending school full stop (instead of switching) there'd probably be no problem, after all I will have paid for the trip (which seems superficially quite cheap, but maybe it isn't - it doesn't seem excessively expensive anyway) anyway, it would more be the awkwardness of them knowing I am switching schools. I am still feeling we're just doing rote shit which isn't helping that much but not sure about leaving at this point.

This does also avoid any temptation to go out and drink Friday night; I think my plan will be to go *somewhere* (maybe not the quiz, maybe some live music - though maybe any such thing is too late at night if I have to be up for school the next day) on Thursday and ditto Saturday.

I am supposed to take two litres of water on this volcano trip too; that is no problem, I am just writing it down here to help me remember.

1309 At PdlJ for grilled chicken breast. Actually managed to understand what waitress said to me. Not happy with classes. No conversation, we did some more written exercises. Teacher keeps explaining things to me at great length and I understand (partly because we've already done it multiple times) and I say 'si' repeatedly but it feels like he wants something more and I don't know what. I don't think he likes me very much and it feels awkward as fuck. This may be in my head but I don't know.

This is stirring up related but slightly distinct psychological silt around whether I should express my opinions, just parrot the standard approved opinions or refuse to express an opinion on anything. Normally I'd sort of ignore these issues and hope they went away but it feels like of imperative to try to resolve them sharpish before I waste even more time.

1333 Don't know if it should bother me, but teacher spent a fair part of the class time today cleaning the inside of his motorcycle helmet. He did seem to be paying attention, but rightly or wrongly this didn't feel great either.

I really feel a sort of fucking tension knot kind of thing in my stomach over this whole fucking business.

1343 Not sure how to resolve this. I have to remember I haven't completely wasted the last 2.5/3 weeks; I *have* improved my academic knowledge of some things (subjunctive especially), even if I haven't had the conversational practice I wanted and even if I have spent more time than I'd like feeling shit in class.

1525 Although there are bigger issues which might mean things turn to shit elsewhere, I am toying with quietly leaving on Friday. (I might see if I can get out of the volcano trip - which is a shame, but not sure I fancy putting on a polite face during the trip on Saturday.)

- I don't actually have a lot to lose. I scarcely know any other students and I am *at best* ambivalent about my teacher. I'm not saying the former isn't partly or even entirely my fault, and it alone is not why I'm thinking of leaving, but it's not as if I'm walking away from a successful social investment, so to speak.

- It is a fact that I got put to doing 4 hours of written exercises in class yesterday while my teacher fiddled with his phone.

- It is a fact that he spent most of the class time today cleaning the inside of his motorcycle helment (albeit he was seeming to pay attention) while I did verbal exercises. This still isn't far off what I could get from an app or website.

- It is a fact that yesterday *as an illustration of a grammatical point*, not as part of a larger discussion, he chose to make disparaging statements about the UK starting the Falklands War. FFS, I'm not deeply invested in the issue and I don't know about it, but why add an emotional overtone to a grammatical illustration? Not helpful.

- It is a fact that he and the school director talked about me in the third person right in front of me in class the other day while I was working on some exercises.

I need to go for a walk and mull this over. However, while I don't have *huge* issues with the school itself (the third person thing was rude but in itself not a huge deal), the teacher and the school director seem pretty matey and I feel it would be potentially awkward after having asked to change teacher (how is the new teacher going to treat me, how is the school director going to treat me).

It's tempting to gratify myself by actually mentioning why I'm leaving, but that doesn't feel smart:

- if I *do* want to do the trip on Saturday, it remains an option if I'm simply lying and saying I've decided not to study any more

- if I complain I am potentially going to get into an unpleasant discussion/row

- if I complain they may persuade me that I owe it to them to give them a chance to fix things (and indeed that would be one valid reason *to* complain, if I wanted to stay but wanted them to change - but as noted above, I feel I have sufficiently little positive investment in the school I might as well just make a clean start somewhere else) - and I don't want to, as I suspect there would be some residual awkwardness and there's no compensating "I do like X about the school which it would be a shame to lose by leaving" to make up for that

- I'd probably just be complaining to gratify myself, which feels a bit twattish - better to just walk quietly away.

I certainly *wouldn't* give bad feedback (or any feedback) on any web sites.

As I say, I may end up changing my mind, but that's where I am now. Even if I do hit the reset button, I need to think about some of the issues which have been stirred up from the bottom of my mind and how I'm going to deal with them in order to avoid things turning to shit again.

Plan for the rest of the week is provisionally to try to keep my game face on, mostly accept whatever shit teacher hands out (I won't try to insist on conversation, for example) and get *something* in return for the money I've paid. Yes I *could* write the next three days' classes off and try to start at another school tomorrow, but I can probably get enough value out of the rest of the classes this week to make it a net gain compared to trying to switch schools midweek, not to mention that this leaves open the possibility of a huge improvement in how I feel about the teacher/school over the next couple of days rather than making a decision more quickly than I need to. 

There is of course an argument for politely explaining why I've decided to leave but don't want to give them a chance to fix it, in that insofar as they *do* feel I'm not being an unreasonable arse, it gives them a chance to do better with other students in the future. But I *might* be being an unreasonable arse, and I'd worry some of the less desirable effects of complaining noted above would also come into play, and gut feeling is I would not do that.

I think I'd explain to new school that I wasn't happy and so am changing and would if possible ask them to *tell* me name of new teacher so I could veto the same guy if he got offered, without having to mention his name unless that unlucky situation occurred, and I would also probably avoid mentioning the name of the old school. No reason to be an arse about it, as long as I get myself out of the current bad situation.

Been waffling too long. Let's go for a walk; sadly there doesn't seem to be any kind of park where I can walk without crossing streets all the time but let's do what we can.

Oh, I do wonder if I'm being "fair", but I don't think this is a situation where the concept applies. I'm the customer, I'm not obliged to *carry on* being a customer. I'm not demanding a refund. If I avoid badmouthing (and I intend not to mention at all) the school and teacher's name, I am not harming anyone in any other way.

And "walking away" is not a particularly unreasonable option. This isn't a marriage where a) we're nominally equal partners (I am a customer) b) we have years of shared experiences and connections and past enjoyment binding us together which shouldn't be lightly cast aside over some temporary turbulence (the relationship is currently 11 school days old and has been iffily up and down all the time). I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater here; there is no fucking baby.

Walk! And try not to get nearly run over by a bus as happened during my moody walk yesterday. :-)

1701 Went for a walk vaguely towards cultural centre but just wandered really. Decided to come into centre and talk to Adrenalina Tours in Pasaje Enriquez re hiking. They charge 275 for the volcano the school seems to be offering for 150ish. They do other tours, some have min 2 people and aren't available now but they might be over next few weeks and they would put me on a list to wait for other people; I didn't take them up on that yet as said I wanted to start with something easier.

At Dos Tejanos in Pasaje Enriquez for a litre of Gallo (Q30); not sure this is smart but will just have the one litre and in moderation a beer may help me mull things over. Was going to go into La Cantina del Gringo opposite as it says "Por que pagar mas?" but a waitress came up to me and so I hopefully not too rudely backed out - apart from the fact I was probably silly to believe their slogan means they're cheap, by the time I tip the waitress a quid on a single beer it's not going to be cheap. Barmaid here insisted on carrying my beer out, when I ordered at the deserted bar, but I will offset that against the delay getting served (about which she was very apologetic and which I hope I was equally genuinely "no problem"y).

So the price of the volcano tour with AT - who may not be cheapest of course - makes me incline to doing it with the school if I can. I can claw back some of my money that way, and to be honest I can't see them saying I can't go after I've paid for it just because I haven't extended at the school for another week. I could ask them first, but why ask questions I might not like the answer to? I also don't want to give any advance warning I am not intending to extend in case it gets awkward or I change my mind.

I do stand by all of the facts above. I accept some of them in isolation are petty, e.g. the Falklands thing and the 3rd person thing. However, the way classes have been extremely unsatisfactory today and yesterday are not petty. I'm going to break off from writing this shit and re-read some of my blog posts since I started at the school to try to get a bit more context. Incidentally I fully admit (while I did feel a bit steamrollered) I overreacted to the cooking thing the first week; I think I already did admit that, but I'll say it again.

1741 OK, about 2/3 through the litre and it's getting a bit dark and feels a bit cold (a tiny bit; I am sitting outside) Waitress evidently speaks English, she may even be a native speaker but not sure. Not a problem, just saying.

Reread old blog entries. I seem to have been at best ambivalent about the school and teacher all the time; I think first week was difficult due to "the gap" and my overreaction to the cooking thing, but even allowing for that I have hardly been raving. I did enjoy the social side of the first Thursday, but there seems to have been precious little of that since - quite possibly entirely my fault, but as I said above, that means it's a fact I won't be walking away from a group of people-I-can-hang-around-with if I do leave the school.

I don't think the "gap" thing I experienced in the first week is a psychological issue at the moment; if anything my major complaint is the way the last two days of classes seem to have just been filling time with recaps of shit I mostly know and no conversation or other study which has been stretching me. Sure, I have made mistakes in the pages of exercises, but small slips, nothing soul churning.

I am not feeling more confident about my ability to speak Spanish; I seem to have been struggling to maintain my peace of mind against political discussion. I'm not saying I expect my teacher to be a babysitter or psychotherapist (though I've often suspected there's more of the latter in a student-teacher relationship, especially one-on-one, than is widely admitted, and in terms of issues specifically related to speaking and learning a foreign language that's perhaps not even a bad or all that secret thing) but I do kind of expect not to be made to feel *worse*.

I don't want to get trapped into a foolish consistency here; I may feel different tomorrow, but it's been up-and-down enough over last couple of weeks I also need to perhaps decide enough is enough. I've been toying with leaving more than once. I think I will do the volcano trip, I will not say anything up front about leaving - why should I? Who says the Saturday isn't part of the school week I've currently paid for, as opposed to part of the week to come? Also "better to seek forgiveness than ask permission" - so I will just either mention on Friday afternoon or perhaps not even bother (though I probably will; since this *may* be my fault, don't want to fuck anyone over by inviting them to assume I will continue next week) - and I can stick to my story (which will have a grain of truth in) about not wanting to carry on studying (indeed, only my iron-hard determination stops this bunch of morale-sapping unprofessional clowns stopping me studying ;-) ) and perhaps some stuff about having more free time and not getting up early) on Saturday, I *could* even say I just want to take a week or two off and give the impression I may return in a week or two (which *would* help keep my options open if I hate the new school/teacher and for some reason didn't just want to try a third). Yeah, I quite like that lie. If I've decided telling the truth isn't a net win, I might as well tell a smooth lie which minimises stress all round compared to a lie which conveys no extra truth and makes things a smidge more awkward.

None of this means I don't need to have a good old think about my general position on expressing opinions so I can try to avoid getting into a shit position with a new school.

1808 I might - had thought this before - go and have a beer or two at that bar near flat *after* I do my homework. But we'll see how I feel. I shouldn't but since I am not likely to be out Friday night and may not be out Thursday either it's probably OK. I am also flirting with the heretical idea that perhaps I should be the best judge of risk-reward tradeoff in my life, and *not* the NHS or columnists in The Guardian.

Very few people in Pasaje Enriquez, as was case earlier. Sure will be people out tonight; I should experiment with midweek socialisation at some point. But I had this beer as a semi-reward after speaking to AT and because I had been toying with a meditative beer at points during afternoon, not to be social.

1815 Totally unimportant but just noticed sign on La Cantina del Gringo saying a litre of Gallo or Cabro (which is slightly premium) is Q24. For a single litre of Gallo, for which I paid Q30 (Cabro would have been Q35) with no tip here, having to tip the waitress Q10 would have made it a poor choice, but credit to them all the same - if teacher is to be believed most locals wouldn't tip, and if I had a few litres (or a group of friends did) the tip would not exceed the saving over drinking at this bar.

In terms of feeling I have to tip when there's service but not wanting to, I am reminded of Mr Jorrocks' response after tipping dozens of people providing services when asked to tip someone whose service he hadn't used: "You would not charge a man for what he has not enjoyed?!" From memory, not really that great a quote but I've had a beer and I like the resonance.

Don't "want" to do homework but given that I do want to extract what value I can from next three days, that I want to keep my game face on and not tip my hand and that I might change my mind, I need to make a decent effort.

I must say - can't help it, after perpetual digs from my teacher - that as a good capitalist I like the idea of quietly and unostentatiously voting with my wallet. I've paid til the end of the week so they have the upper hand til then, but then I'm back in charge.

1930 Been home a bit. Fuck me, struggling to do the homework through a mild alcoholic haze, which I don't perceive at all while writing this in English. Will grind it out though.

1940 Something I wondered earlier is if I should have ditched the teacher/school earlier, e.g. last week. For all that hindsight is 20/20, I think I made a reasonable - if in hindsight sub-optimal - choice to stay on another week. It's really the absolute shit the first two days of this week which have tipped me over to the "had a fucking nough" camp; things were iffy but borderline OK the first two weeks, I didn't like to jump ship too early and I can see no way I could have predicted the way the last two days have gone - I have no idea why things have turned so sour, but they have, and given things *were* a bit unsatisfactory before I just feel there's no goodwill, benefit of the doubt, whatever left on my side to justify staying. And while I'm *not* going to commit to foolish consistency, frankly even if classes are OK the rest of the week, that isn't enough to change my mind - am I going to keep paying and burning up my valuable time abroad to get 3/5 decent days of education and 2/5 shit days? No.

2024 Note to self: don't drink before homework again. It feels an enormous chore - maybe it is - and I still feel a bit drunk. I probably *shouldn't* go out to nearby bar after this (I still haven't finished) but I will anyway.

2037 Heading out. Other people making noise on lower floors but fuck 'em. Need to be careful not to drink too much but a couple won't hurt.

2045 At La Liga. Much busier than last Tue, not a huge place but most tables occupied. Got a small table to myself though - if someone *really* wants to talk to me I'm open to it, but not so much so I'm going to sit at bar (no one else is anyway). Got what I think is a mixta which I think is mix of dark and light draught beer, but not sure. Q10.

Handwritten note on flat ground entrance; couldn't read all the handwriting or understand all the Spanish but something about people who haven't paid the rent and surcharges. Don't think this is me, given I'm via booking.com and handing over the money in advance at start of week.

2113 *Not* that I think it's likely, but if the school does take my money for the volcano hike and then refuses to let me take part without refunding it because I haven't signed up for another week, I will be leaving negative reviews - focused solely on this aspect - everywhere I can.

I actually need to be thinking more about how to handle opinions and less about the specifics of this school situation - especially now it's mostly decided how I'll deal with it, for better or worse - but hard to tear my mind away. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable. Sure, maybe I'm not the most charismatic or likeable guy - I fucking try, but especially in the context of a class when I'm trying to learn, it's hard - but I haven't been rude, I haven't been monosyllabic, I haven't refused to speak, I think it's part of the teacher's job to draw me out to whatever extent is necessary and I don't feel I deserve to have been condemned to repetetive exercises for the last two days.

2130 Second US pint. Sticking with mixta (I think). Not sure how I feel about mixta. Tastes OK but perhaps straight dark would be nicer. Probably not in most appreciative mood right now though.

2158 Coldplay, possibly The Scientist. Nearly finished second pint, slightly tempted to have another but semi-negative thoughts floating round my brain from the ongoing internal 'opinions' debate, I had that litre earlier, I need to be up for 8am with my game face on, etc. So will probably go home shortly. The more I think about the actual situation at the school the more I feel it's reasonable to leave. I haven't been particularly unreasonable or demanding yet I feel I'm semi-objectively being treated like shit. Moving away from that, what am I paying for? To learn Spanish. I'm willing to work, but I'm being fucked around with paying a teacher to clean his motorcycle helmet (I'm sure there's an accidental joke there) while I grind through rote exercises which a machine could correct just as well. Why the fuck would I continue to pay for such a shitty service? Arguably I should complain rather than just walk, but I don't think it's ridiculous to walk, given the lack of any actual positive ties to the school and the potential downsides of complaining. And you might say a machine couldn't encourage me, but neither is my teacher.

Yeah. I keep repeating myself, I am not 100% committing to leaving now, but frankly I think unless the next few days are just so intensely productive and educational I can't believe them I'd deserve my own scorn for staying. I've given the school/the teacher a very fair chance, I've made a significant and substantial effort and all I've had in return is shit. TBH the problem may be to keep my game face on for the next three (four, if you count the volcano trip) days but I'm English :-) and I know I'm free of this shit in four days tops, I can probably do it. And I think it's only rational to get what value I can for the next few days.

And I'll raise several beer glasses to cutting loose on Saturday night. :-)

I am tempted to have another though. On the other hand I could just go to bed. On the third hand, it's only 2209. On the fourth hand, will I enjoy it?

I am going to be polite but firm in checking what the lessons will involve on Friday afternoon when I go to sort out a new school. I'm open to a bit of paperwork in class, and more as homework, but I'm looking for a lot of conversation. Sure, they are (supposed) to be the experts and within limits I will bow to that, but I'm not paying to be observed doing rote learning 4.5 hours a day.

I am going to have another, and I'll clean my teeth - I came within a whisker of running my toothbrush under the tap this morning, I don't *think* I did, and I didn't clean my teeth this morning and left it to try all day, so fingers crossed - and go straight to bed when I get home. Haven't showered today (been non-sober and unwilling to risk it) but don't think I stink that much and if I do let's regard it as biological warfare against teacher. :-)